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by claiming that i am powerless is quite a good gig, when i can get away with it, fortunately, as i stay clean and learn to live a program of active recovery, that happens less and less. it is not about getting caught in the act that keeps me from playing that game, it is my desire to make the use of what little personal power i do have. i have been clean for long enough to know that i have a choice about how i behave and what i do in my daily life. i can choose to play victim to being an addict and whining about how i am so fVcking powerless, or i can stand up and be responsible for the choices i make, today and every day.
thinking back to the situation i was in a year ago, i certainly can see it was my lack of diligence and application of what i knew that was the cause of all my troubles. i see myself drifting into a similar situation these days and have started to move back into the here and now at work as well as at home. i can see that in my personal affairs, i am taking all sorts of responsibility. i work out on a daily basis, i pay my bills, i keep track of the money i have trusted with and i find that i am no longer expressing my opinion about how anyone else is behaving. more than once i have wanted to tell a peer that they might want to take any sort of guidance they are getting from anyone, myself included, with a grain of salt. when it comes to driving into the office, however, i do my best to find any reason not to do so. when it comes to putting in eight hours of work, i discover that many days i am unwilling to do so, for a myriad of made up reasons. i happen to like this current position, so i also know that i may be able to slide for another minute, but eventually my lack of diligence will bite me in my ass. resolving to do better is not the answer, actually doing the work is where i need to go, as i have power of my personal behavior when it comes to work. back to that whole responsibility versus jazz-hands conundrum: do i do the work or do i rationalize and justify away my less than stellar behaviors?
i could go on, pouring on the i “need tos” and the i “shoulds,” but to what end? will i feel more accomplished or satisfied when all is said and done? way back when, i know that answer would have been, why yes i will, i have just got paid for doing very little. today, not so much. if i want more out of my life, i have to give it more, as i am quite certain i can get out of life, what i put into it. with that on the top of my mind, it is time to walk off yesterday's 10K. it is a good day to take responsibility for all of that which is within my personal power.

∞ DT ∞