Blog entry for:

i have so little of it, why would i want to willingly give any of it away? and yet, from time to time, such as a mere ten hours ago, i allow myself the FREEDOM to give every drop of it away.
as i sat for my 10TH step last night, i was fixated on the action of some of my peers, and their seeming lack of responsibility to open the doors. i was quite certain that this exercise was going to be a scathing and blistering attack on each and every one of them and in my self-righteous indignation, i was certain that personal attacks on their integrity and commitment were called for and would be summarily dispensed with great gusto. a funny thing happened on the way to this forum, i lost the heat and passion i felt last night. what was once anger, bordering on rage that required a painful administration of justice is now an exercise in how i can prevent myself from giving away what little power i do have.
as i sat and pondered how to extract my pound of flesh, i got more than a bit sad, that i could not let go of the behavior of others and i allowed it to consume me to such an extent. i took on what their behaviors “looked” like and wore them well. this morning when i my feet hit the floor, i was amazed that what i had asked for in prayer last night: to let go of the bad behavior of others was granted. today, i still feel a bit of anger, and more than a little disgust, but that is my shite and i will deal with it, i will say this though, i NEVER let 4-6 inches of snow keep me from the dope man's house.
taking responsibility for who and what i am, is a good task for this day. i want to look a whole lot better than i feel and sharing about the huge reservation i was crafting makes me look, at least in my own eyes, weak and feeble. once again, NOT taking personal responsibility for what is going on inside and letting my peers, provide me their Experience, Strength and Hope is in that same bucket of crap that was filled to overflowing last night. actually that whole bucket 'o crap was a distraction for what is really going on inside of me, my building a case against doing this recovery gig, because the overwhelming evidence is that i no longer need to do so, and it is time to move along. the fact is, there is no other place where i am understood and fit in. fitting in and being accepted as i am, has been THE issue i have had all of my life and certainly long before i used. am i really willing to give that all up, for a few extra hours of hanging at the house watching TV or playing computer games? the answer is, not today and today i take back my power to CHOOSE to be in recovery and live the program of recovery that has got me to this place.

∞ DT ∞