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i will accept responsibility for them. one of those things that i have to take responsibility for, was walking out of the meeting last night, when a certain someone decided it was time to once again lecture the unwashed masses on how to recover, being one of that particular group, and not feeling like one of them, the best thing for me to do, was to walk away.
i know what that action demonstrated, and it certainly is an honest reflection of my total lack of respect for what is being shared, and you know what i make no excuses for my behavior. their action did not and do not MAKE ME anything but a bit sad, that they are so clueless about what may or may not be going on. i am certain, if someone told them how much of a fool they are becoming in the eyes of the other members, it would be a kindness, but alas, that is not my job today. not my job today, it to acknowledge that i will no longer play the victim and sit there and listen, nor will i sit there and pretend to listen. even if it means leaving every meeting they choose to share at, until this phase passes, so be it. i am not going meeting shopping, nor am i going to let one of my peers, chase me out of the rooms, i have been here too long to let a “bleeding deacon,” put me on the path of relapse.
the worst part of all, is that is who i was, and could become again. in the periods of my recovery when i think i had all the answers and could fix anyone, anytime. what i soon discovered , was that my peers would rather leave the room, than tell me what a fool i was making of myself and i truly wonder how i can display some kindness and empathy in this respect. using my experience as a template, i know that at that time, i would not have been open-minded enough to listen to any unsolicited feedback. i know my reaction would have been defensive, as i would see those comments as an attack on my program. i would then share even more loudly, more preachy and with more passion, as if all of those attributes made up for the lack of personal experience, strength and hope that i was not carrying in my message. i also know that i would have been the victim of a vicious attack, or at least perceive myself to be, and walk off in a petulant frenzy, like some sort of two year old. so in this case i will shut-up, take my trip to the bathroom and wait for this too to pass, as it did for me. i have after all, earned my chair in the rooms, and to allow myself to be chased out by an over-entitled peer of mine, is not part of the plan today, as i am here to stay.
taking some responsibility is this matter means just that. their behavior cause an emotional reaction in me. i am powerless over what someone else does, and mostly powerless over the feelings their actions stir up in me. pity, disgust and disrespect, not being the healthiest of combinations, my power starts right there, how do i feel those and not act out. swallowing them has not worked, so walking away is the next phase in my experiment of what to do. as time goes on, my tolerance will more than likely return and the feelings that arise of my judgementalness and intolerance will wither on the vine and die.
today, however, i need to put this behind me, head on over to Boulder and be a rock-star at work. it is a great day to be clean and i get to hear a sponsee share his experience, strength and hope this evening to cap off my day.

∞ DT ∞