ยท through my inability to accept personal responsibility ยท
Posted: Sun, Feb 20, 2011 09:28:05 AM
i am actually creating my own problems! this is one of those reading that just warm me to the cockles of my own heart. not because it is something that has changed in my life. not because it points to places that i NEED to address right here and right now. both of those statements are true. i have taken some personal responsibility in my life and i can still take more.
no, what this reading does for me, that is so heart-warming, is it allows me to look at the behavior of others and how they blame their behaviors, their decisions or reactions on being powerless over their addiction. all of sudden the spotlight is taking off me and moved elsewhere, and i AM NOT POWERLESS over that. in fact, as i sit here writing about it, i can see that i actually have a great deal of personal power that i CHOOSE to abdicate, when i partake of this particular behavior. which is exactly what this reading seems to be telling me this morning, despite my attempt to divert, deflect or otherwise obfuscate the REAL truth of this matter.
i also GET where i learned this behavior from, no not the deflecting, that is part of my survival skills, that is being removed at my request by the POWER THAT FUELS my recovery. no the victimization by my addiction part.
early in my recovery, i was told over and over again that i was not a bad person, i did behave badly. perhaps because of my spiritual upbringing, i took that for absolution for all my sins, and that it was the devil inside that made me do it. what i heard was that i was a victim of addiction not the perpetrator. the logic that followed was that IF i am a VICTIM when i get here, I REMAIN a victim forever, after all, addiction is a part of me, and will NEVER be removed or be cured. there is overwhelming evidence that i will always be an addict. so if that is true, i must also always be a victim. therefore all personal responsibility is waived and i get a free pass, because, woe is me, i am the victim here.
such a nice bit of smoke and mirrors based on something i heard when i first got clean, and was latching on to whatever was offered to boost the little self-esteem i had just discovered was all i had. what i choose to neglect, is that i am no longer that poor bedraggled creature that crawled into the fellowship, however haltingly, nor do i have to be a victim anymore. i have POWER here. i have the POWER to live a program of active recovery. i have the POWER to make decisions based on the sound spiritual principles i have been shown. i have the POWER to distinguish between the lies i tell myself and the truth that is always within arms reach. I NO LONGER NEED TO BE A VICTIM OF ADDICTION!
of course from that revelation flows a whole bunch more. namely i only need to be a victim once in any given situation. even when i am done wrong, as is part of life, i can learn from my mistakes and move on, letting my victim-hood fade with the realization that i do not have to participate in that. i make me the victim after the original transgression, not life in general, the world around me, or the part of me i call my addict.
yes getting shat upon sucks, but what sucks more is sh!tting on myself over and over again, instead of moving on. the only victim here is me, and guess what, i am a victim of myself when i CHOOSE to ignore the spiritual principles i have learned and wallow in my own self-created misery.
how's them apples? the HOPE? well if my misery is self-created, than it can also be self-destroyed. i choose today to take back my power and take responsibility for my recovery, so i can heal the self-inflicted damage i have done over the course of my entire journey through life. part of that is hitting the streets to burn off a few hundred calories or so. i will keep this in mind, only i can decide to take responsibility for my recovery today, abdicating it means that the addict takes over, and just for today, i choose to keep addiction at bay, through word, deed and thought.
no, what this reading does for me, that is so heart-warming, is it allows me to look at the behavior of others and how they blame their behaviors, their decisions or reactions on being powerless over their addiction. all of sudden the spotlight is taking off me and moved elsewhere, and i AM NOT POWERLESS over that. in fact, as i sit here writing about it, i can see that i actually have a great deal of personal power that i CHOOSE to abdicate, when i partake of this particular behavior. which is exactly what this reading seems to be telling me this morning, despite my attempt to divert, deflect or otherwise obfuscate the REAL truth of this matter.
i also GET where i learned this behavior from, no not the deflecting, that is part of my survival skills, that is being removed at my request by the POWER THAT FUELS my recovery. no the victimization by my addiction part.
early in my recovery, i was told over and over again that i was not a bad person, i did behave badly. perhaps because of my spiritual upbringing, i took that for absolution for all my sins, and that it was the devil inside that made me do it. what i heard was that i was a victim of addiction not the perpetrator. the logic that followed was that IF i am a VICTIM when i get here, I REMAIN a victim forever, after all, addiction is a part of me, and will NEVER be removed or be cured. there is overwhelming evidence that i will always be an addict. so if that is true, i must also always be a victim. therefore all personal responsibility is waived and i get a free pass, because, woe is me, i am the victim here.
such a nice bit of smoke and mirrors based on something i heard when i first got clean, and was latching on to whatever was offered to boost the little self-esteem i had just discovered was all i had. what i choose to neglect, is that i am no longer that poor bedraggled creature that crawled into the fellowship, however haltingly, nor do i have to be a victim anymore. i have POWER here. i have the POWER to live a program of active recovery. i have the POWER to make decisions based on the sound spiritual principles i have been shown. i have the POWER to distinguish between the lies i tell myself and the truth that is always within arms reach. I NO LONGER NEED TO BE A VICTIM OF ADDICTION!
of course from that revelation flows a whole bunch more. namely i only need to be a victim once in any given situation. even when i am done wrong, as is part of life, i can learn from my mistakes and move on, letting my victim-hood fade with the realization that i do not have to participate in that. i make me the victim after the original transgression, not life in general, the world around me, or the part of me i call my addict.
yes getting shat upon sucks, but what sucks more is sh!tting on myself over and over again, instead of moving on. the only victim here is me, and guess what, i am a victim of myself when i CHOOSE to ignore the spiritual principles i have learned and wallow in my own self-created misery.
how's them apples? the HOPE? well if my misery is self-created, than it can also be self-destroyed. i choose today to take back my power and take responsibility for my recovery, so i can heal the self-inflicted damage i have done over the course of my entire journey through life. part of that is hitting the streets to burn off a few hundred calories or so. i will keep this in mind, only i can decide to take responsibility for my recovery today, abdicating it means that the addict takes over, and just for today, i choose to keep addiction at bay, through word, deed and thought.
∞ DT ∞