๐ง i am in ๐ง
Posted: Fri, Mar 14, 2025 07:04:50 AM
big trouble when i start to think that somehow, i have arrived. i have seen many of my peers, seem to reach that state of mind in their recovery journeys. some of them disappear, never to return. some of them come back with their heads hung low, barely surviving a relapse. and some of them, stick around, sharing clichés, bumper stickers and bon mots, disregarding anything real happening in their lives. it is the third option, within which i have found myself trapped. after the events of the past fifteen months or so, i am glad that state was very temporary and i actually kept up my daily routine, even on those days i felt as if i was just phoning it in.
i know a whole lot about “phoning in” my recovery. one might say, that has been a huge part of my story, up until ten years ago. there is a benefit to being consistent, even if my effort was far from stellar or sincere, at least i did something. phoning it in, such as it is, habituated me to doing something for my spiritual fitness on a daily basis. when i finally “got” how to meditate and found that five minutes was far from ideal for this addict, i started to find a path towards balance in my life. when i stopped doing a daily inventory by rote and allowed myself to “feel” how my day went, i found myself sleeping better and falling asleep faster. when i stopped spinning about what i was praying for, i found some peace of mind by just asking for the power to stay clean today and being grateful for another day clean as i lay my head on my pillow.
have i arrived? well, i have arrived to a life where i can accept what comes my way and not rent space in my head to everything, all the time. i am in a place where using, for the most part, is not part of my daily thoughts, even after strange using dreams like the one i had last night. i am in a place today where i do not have the desire to use, and maybe, unlike my actions ten months ago, i will admit that desire to my sponse, my spouse or a closed-mouth friend, instead of pandering to my oversized ego and wondering what others might think. anyhow, just for today, i will treat my spiritual fitness with the same regard i am showing for my physical fitness and perhaps, those two actions will reflect in my emotional fitness. two out of three, however, ain't bad! 🤩
i know a whole lot about “phoning in” my recovery. one might say, that has been a huge part of my story, up until ten years ago. there is a benefit to being consistent, even if my effort was far from stellar or sincere, at least i did something. phoning it in, such as it is, habituated me to doing something for my spiritual fitness on a daily basis. when i finally “got” how to meditate and found that five minutes was far from ideal for this addict, i started to find a path towards balance in my life. when i stopped doing a daily inventory by rote and allowed myself to “feel” how my day went, i found myself sleeping better and falling asleep faster. when i stopped spinning about what i was praying for, i found some peace of mind by just asking for the power to stay clean today and being grateful for another day clean as i lay my head on my pillow.
have i arrived? well, i have arrived to a life where i can accept what comes my way and not rent space in my head to everything, all the time. i am in a place where using, for the most part, is not part of my daily thoughts, even after strange using dreams like the one i had last night. i am in a place today where i do not have the desire to use, and maybe, unlike my actions ten months ago, i will admit that desire to my sponse, my spouse or a closed-mouth friend, instead of pandering to my oversized ego and wondering what others might think. anyhow, just for today, i will treat my spiritual fitness with the same regard i am showing for my physical fitness and perhaps, those two actions will reflect in my emotional fitness. two out of three, however, ain't bad! 🤩
∞ DT ∞