Blog entry for:

i have a tendency to treat this comfortable spot as a **rest stop** on my recovery journey. well that was until i started working this FOURTH STEP. man what a task this has become, and one that i deferred one night on, by making a conscious choice to leave it sit for 24.
that is, however, not what i wanted to write about this morning, nor is it anything more than a little whine, to get my day stared. some days i feel like i should found a whole new 12 step fellowship called Whiners Anonymous. so i can recover from my tendency to put more than a slightly negative spin on all that happens to me.
OK a quick distraction with Facebook, yes i know chasing squirrels instead of writing what is on my mind. right here and right now, i am far from that comfortable place, as STEP work is pushing me into a growth phase, that i am resisting. this is generally the place where i say refer to the disease of addiction affecting me, as if it was some alien, taking possession of my life. the truth is i am my addiction and my addiction is me.i am however, so much more and addiction, or as i like to refer to it that part of me i call addiction, is just one of the components that make me who i am. when i work a FOURTH STEP, i am exposing that part of me to the bright light of my desire to be something more, and that my friends, is a painful experience for this addict. yes i am causing myself pain so i can recover, and although i am not really a masochist or Penitente, i understand that the pain is part of this process, and that like everything, this too shall pass. although all the clichés and bromides in the world, do little to relive the pain in the here and now. in fact, when i am comforted by other members with these trite bon mots, i am often tempted to spin and around and smack them upside their head. it is a wonderful thing, that recovery has given me enough of a sense of right and wrong, that i can see how wrong that is, but what it has also given me is the understanding that if i find little comfort in a bumper sticker, when i am tempted to do so, i NEED to give some thought to what and how i offer my empathy and comfort to others. which of course is a bit off the track on the topic at hand.
which probably means that it is time to hit the showers and get rolling on down the road. as much as i may whine about how awful and heinous this STEP is, i am also grateful that i am awake enough that i can actually feel and acknowledge the pain. i am grateful that through the experience of this pain, i will release this particular treasure chest of swallowed feelings and buried experiences, instead of having them affecting me for no apparent reason. what i have discovered, when i get off my complacent a$$ is that i have never been led to a place in my step work, that i was not ready to face, it just takes a bit of courage and FAITH and i have just enough of of both of those today, to continue.

∞ DT ∞