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there are times when i read the JFT and it sounds as if it was written by some sort of m**AD**-man, glowing with tropes and phrases more suited to the latest household cleaning product, rather than living life clean. when i go down that path, all of sudden, nothing applies to me, once again. that was how i was when i got here and for the first eighteen months of my clean-time. the simple facts are that i was an addict when i got here, i was an addict when i became a member and i am still an addict today, after thousands of days of doing the gig, day after day. my life sort of resembles that “idealized” world that the advertising executives try to see me, the only difference being, my life is grounded in the reality of daily living and an air freshener or new luxury car, is hardly going to make it that much better. coming up from the destruction of the throes of active addiction, and comparing it to my life today, is hardly a fair comparison.
thinking about what it takes for me, to maintain my recovery and foster the growth i desire, emotionally and spiritually, i easily see that although i continue many of the practices i started at thirty days clean, there are layers upon layers of other “stuff” i do today. to go into what all of that is, would be an exercise in futility,. but i certainly work a different sort of program at twenty-one years clean, than i worked at twenty-one months or twenty-one days. where i once “needed” to be certain where i sat in the fellowship hierarchy, today i do not care and am not quite sure there really is one. as someone who has been to the bottom of the service food chain, i am quite certain that i am just another addict, doing my best to live a program of active recovery.
could i be more diligent in working steps, calling my sponse, and going to meetings? i certainly could be! do i need to “step-up” my game? quite possibly! i am doing okay today, thriving in the face of adversity and dealing with the tumultuous change that is part of my daily existence. i am clean today. i have the desire to seek out the opportunities that the POWER that fuels my recovery, sends my way and let go of what i am powerless over. i will do my homework today, enjoy some time with my co-workers, try to figure out the mysterious e-mails i got from the dev team and see what sort of mileage i can put in, before i lay my head on my pillow tonight. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to look at my program and see what needs to be “new and improved.”

∞ DT ∞