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there are no more big deals after all, i have a bit of clean time, i have worked through all twelve steps more than once, and i am still connected to the fellowship that allows me to live a life beyond my craziest dreams. it is also true, that there are still an **issue** or two, that dogs me in recovery, one of which i choose to share here, certainly goes to a behavior that i was present in my active addiction, using what i know about others to make myself feel better. when confronted by my peers, that this may be the case, i have to take a minute and think about whether or not it is true. i do not need to go on about that, but it will be a prominent feature of my TENTH STEP, moving forward. i came to recovery, believing that a good offense was the best defense and i certainly was quite offensive over the years. i know that i often comment on the behaviors of my peers and those i encounter in my daily life, as a springboard into what i NEED to look at myself. they are the best mirror for me, as what i find distasteful in others, is more than likely something i see in myself. the facts is, i am far from perfect and i do get comfortably “stuck” in places in my recovery journey. one of the advantages of writing this later in the day, is what i thought i heard this morning, is not what i am hearing now.
thinking about the events of this day so far, i do have a bit of regret of taking the conversation on my social walk, into the realm of “war stories.” our little party consisted of two friends and a new guy. i forget, that talking about the insanity of what was my life as an addict in active addiction, may not be what the newest peers need to hear. it goes back to when i was the new guy and the fellowship was stratified by what and how one used and it still amazes me that i carry that bias with me still. what and how much i used, and how i used it, certainly qualified me for the upper crust and i can even hear myself saying “all you used was what?” as i attempted to keep myself apart from my peers, by whining about how the 20th Judaical District “sentenced” me to recovery, i see that is yet another story where i took how i got here as a barrier to integrating into the fellowship, as i was still in fairly good shape, when i arrived, relatively speaking. my life may have been unmanageable, but not as unmanageable as what i heard my peers sharing, back in the day. i am only coming to realize the lie i told myself and continue to tell myself, may have been the impetus for my service work these days, it also is how i keep myself “looking different” than my peers. sitting here on my THIRD STEP, i am getting some insight into the lies i have polished into my reality and seeing how they keep me from truly surrendering my will and my life into the care of a HIGHER POWER.
with that notion on the top of my mind, i do believe i will wrap this up and make it reality, or at least as real as anything on the internet. i do after all, have the power to make it all go away and today i choose not to do so.

∞ DT ∞