| clean time does not mean the program has changed |
Posted: Sat, Jun 29, 2013 08:32:14 AM
or become less important, only that my practical understanding has changed and grown. so this all comes down to what is appropriate in one phase of my recovery, may not be appropriate now. yes, that is quite true, but if i somehow think that clean-time vaccinates me from the ravages of active addiction, well i am just as an old friend used to deludanoid. i understand why people walk away from an active program, it takes a sh!tload of work and time, and now that i have what looks like quite the “normie” life, why on Earth would i need to work hard at something that i have fVcking down.
that is the part of me i call the addict within, telling me lies. i do not need someone else feeding me bullsh!t, when i do it so well myself. i keep expecting a dear don letter from my recalcitrant sponsee, as the woman he has hooked up with continues to feed him line after line, reeling him in for the final kill. since his hearing is not until Monday, he probably is not going to take any chances that i will show up and diss him to the end. that is however, me projecting my ideas and speculating on the motives of others. now that i have opened that can of worms, one of the things that i have been given as a result of working steps and staying clean for so long, is i am less needy when it comes to others recognizing how great i am. there is still a part of me, that believes i DESERVE praise and rewards for doing this gig and when the fVck am i going to get the that recognition?
well, i got it already, it comes from the feeling inside, that i am doing the next right thing. i need not tell everyone who will listen what a good guy i am, because i already know that and am certain of that as a fact of my life. i no longer need to shout from the rooftops the next right things i did yesterday, because it really is no one else's business. if i get caught doing the next right thing, well i just smile and say thanks for the acknowledgement, but strokes from others, while certainly very nice, is no longer my driving motivation. when my sponsee decides to give up on me, and hitch his wagon to the his female flavor of the month, well i will just let him go, no fuss, no fight and no final words. he is worth my time and effort, but i cannot and will not compete against someone who strokes his ego with every word they say, in my opinion they certainly deserve each other and i will wish them well, as they sail happily arm in arm off into the sunset. being told, that i am no longer someone's sponsor is not anything i have not been through before. not getting the chance to fix the broken relationship i mistakenly call friendship? well that stings, but it certainly takes two to do that, and all i can do is the work i need to leave that co-dependent, enabling crap behind. i will survive without him and i certainly believe he will survive without me. after all that is what it feels most of the time anyhow, as he is either using or locked-up, which feels like he is not a part of my life anyhow.
which brings me back to the top. yes i have to practice a program of recovery, every day. today that means it is time to suit up and head over to my home group for a meeting. it is after all part of what i do, meetings, meditation, and being a part of the fellowship that has given me this incredible life.
that is the part of me i call the addict within, telling me lies. i do not need someone else feeding me bullsh!t, when i do it so well myself. i keep expecting a dear don letter from my recalcitrant sponsee, as the woman he has hooked up with continues to feed him line after line, reeling him in for the final kill. since his hearing is not until Monday, he probably is not going to take any chances that i will show up and diss him to the end. that is however, me projecting my ideas and speculating on the motives of others. now that i have opened that can of worms, one of the things that i have been given as a result of working steps and staying clean for so long, is i am less needy when it comes to others recognizing how great i am. there is still a part of me, that believes i DESERVE praise and rewards for doing this gig and when the fVck am i going to get the that recognition?
well, i got it already, it comes from the feeling inside, that i am doing the next right thing. i need not tell everyone who will listen what a good guy i am, because i already know that and am certain of that as a fact of my life. i no longer need to shout from the rooftops the next right things i did yesterday, because it really is no one else's business. if i get caught doing the next right thing, well i just smile and say thanks for the acknowledgement, but strokes from others, while certainly very nice, is no longer my driving motivation. when my sponsee decides to give up on me, and hitch his wagon to the his female flavor of the month, well i will just let him go, no fuss, no fight and no final words. he is worth my time and effort, but i cannot and will not compete against someone who strokes his ego with every word they say, in my opinion they certainly deserve each other and i will wish them well, as they sail happily arm in arm off into the sunset. being told, that i am no longer someone's sponsor is not anything i have not been through before. not getting the chance to fix the broken relationship i mistakenly call friendship? well that stings, but it certainly takes two to do that, and all i can do is the work i need to leave that co-dependent, enabling crap behind. i will survive without him and i certainly believe he will survive without me. after all that is what it feels most of the time anyhow, as he is either using or locked-up, which feels like he is not a part of my life anyhow.
which brings me back to the top. yes i have to practice a program of recovery, every day. today that means it is time to suit up and head over to my home group for a meeting. it is after all part of what i do, meetings, meditation, and being a part of the fellowship that has given me this incredible life.
∞ DT ∞