Blog entry for:

on my recovery journey, even if it appears to be so from the outside. when i came to recovery, i was a very closed off and isolated person, in fact i saw myself as being **private.** i was brought up to keep what was happening inside of me, inside of me and never ever **air my dirty laundry in public.** recovery forced me to become more open and to let others in, and i have never regretted letting go of being closed off and isolated.
there was a time in my recovery journey when i “crowed” about all that i did for my recovery, just about every time i shared. i walked around like i deserved a medal, a certificate of achievement or at least a call-out, for doing what my peers do on a daily basis. somehow, everyone had to believe that i was so much fVcking better and acknowledge it, dammit all! as i grew up, i slowly came to realize that sharing about how much i loved and esteemed myself today was not the same as actually loving and esteeming myself. sharing about going to work, paying my bills, and doing the one hundred and one other tasks that everyone else do on a daily basis, was not cause for celebration, it was just another attention-seeking behavior i had yet to surrender into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. finally i learned to shut the fVck up, sit down and listen. as a result how i work my program, faded into the background and i learned to share about how i feeling, how i saw the world and what was affecting my balance today.
as a result of that paradigm switch, it might appear to others that i have taken a break on my recovery journey, if they rely on what i share, rather than what i do, to judge the quality of my recovery. i am not going to be dismissive of others judging my recovery journey, the fact is, that judgement is a reality and discernment of what may or may not work for me comes out of those judgements. that is a simple fact of life and what i once thought i need to shout from the rooftops, i can quietly live and move along. the fact of the matter is, i may not be diligently writing steps, but as the reading points out, what was appropriate for one phase in my recovery…
how i work a program and how diligently i do this or that, is really no one else's bidness, just as how others live their program is none of mine. the fact of the matter is, unless i am an active part of the recovery process of someone else i.e. their sponsor, i am actually clueless about how diligent someone else is working their program. the only thing i have to go on, is how they walk through their lives and even that is very subjective subject. ah, but i am off on a tangent here, what i see others doing and hear others saying really is not the issue, it is me, who thinks i doth protest too much and far too loudly. perhaps i am taking a “break” and perhaps i am quietly moving into a new place in my recovery. just for today, i may hit a meeting and share where i am, or i may just come home and take a nap. either way, i am good to go.

∞ DT ∞