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big deals, thanks to my peers and a proven manner of living. before i go down the path of getting all sappy, i KNOW that being clean does not mean that i am entitled to anything save for FREEDOM from active addiction. i am grateful for that other twelve step fellowship, that gave mine its start, but i refuse to call it THE **PARENT** fellowship, for all sorts of reasons, first and foremost, that fellowship has its focus on single substance and for this addict, it really was not the substances that were and are the problem. i find it no coincidence that those among my peers, those who have the most difficulty amassing any sort of clean-time or seem stuck in FEAR of relapse mode, are the ones who are most likely to “cross-fellowship.” OOPS, climbed up onto my soapbox again, mea culpa, time to move on.
what i heard this morning, was sort of an “i told you so,” sort of feeling. way back when i was poised between two fellowships, my current sponsor, who at that time scared the living shit out of me, took me aside and told me that in his experience, if i wanted what i saw others with long term recovery having, i would have to make a choice. that choice being, making a commitment to a program of recovery and learn how to adapt my life to fit that program. by adapting my life to the program, i could learn how to live the program and as a result would get many of the gifts my peers had, through living a life free from active addiction. what he did not say, was that i was entitled to anything, that there were more than one promise, or that GOD “wanted” me to be happy. he said that the proven way of life he had found, could be mine as well. it was another nine months before i was ready to hear that message and drag my unwilling, close-minded and dishonest ass into the fellowship that has become my home.
two decades later, i am quite content with where my life is and where it may be headed. having the stubborn perseverance to stick with what seemed like it would never work, has benefited this addict to no end. i am clean today, because i decided to cease fighting the notion that i was an addict, that i was powerless over addiction and i NEEDED guidance to find a different way of living. i am where i am, because of my obstinate willfulness to get what i saw my peers had and to do the work to obtain that stuff. is my life perfect? not by a long shot, but i have direction, self-esteem and serenity today, three things i never had back in the day. on that note, i think i will suit up and go hit the sidewalks to get another day of my “fitter” in the books. oh yeah, thanks to all of my peers, i am becoming a person that i never dreamed i could be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞