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progressive, and incurable are certainly terms that one might use to describe addiction. i am not so sure about the patient part as that seems to imply that addiction is a malevolent force from outside of me, and i have issues putting human attributes on things that are not human. one thing i do know for sure, is that i am an addict and addiction is part of who i am. as such, i need to be a bit wary of putting myself in physical, spiritual, emotional and mental places and situations , where i might decide that using is the next best thing to do. that does not mean i walk around in abject FEAR that the “addict boogie man” is going to jump out from around the next corner and “force” to use against my will. quite honestly, IF i use, it will be a choice and that may be last one i will ever make.
ah, but there is too much on my heart this morning to dwell on the “what if.” i am getting psyched to be getting out of town and relinquishing my responsibilities for a few weeks. day after day, i can feel them weighing me down and the worst part is that the least pressing of all of them, takes a much larger part of my life than it ought to. dealing with the self-absorbed is never easy. dealing with that type day after day for months on end, tries my patience and others wonder why i minimize my exposure to that situation. the worst part of all, is everything i see in them, is part of who i am as well. i can be self-absorbed, over entitled and resistant to doing anything to improve my lot in life. that is how i walked into the program and it is certainly how i could CHOOSE to become, once again. i am very familiar with that whole set of behaviors, thoughts, feeling and manner of living. as a result, i could comfortably ensconce myself there and never return to the land of living in “just for today.” the life of the living dead, dependent upon the kindness of others, is one i am choosing to avoid for as long as possible.
as i have to put in a very long day at work toady, i think it is time to dress out and hit the streets. i am sure that as this day wears on, i will get notified of whether or not we get to fly bidness class to Iceland, or if we are going to be in the cattle car. i will also get to see how hot of a commodity i may be today, as i have a few interviews this afternoon. i do know that over the next two days, i need to take care of myself, be as whole and genuine as i can be and allow myself to let go of what other people aspire to be. i GET to talk to one of my friends in recovery today, and he certainly helps to ground mwe in the here and now, which is part of living a life of active recovery.

∞ DT ∞