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i tell myself is something that entered warp speed a few years ago after i revealed my deepest and darkest secret to my sponse. looking back on that event, it probably was not was deep and dark as i made it. that being said, i ma hardly willing to reveal it to the interwebs today. perhaps someday i will let that fly, but for now, i will be okay with it just being amongst my peers in recovery and my trusted loved ones. what revealing that did for me was begin the exploding of the beliefs i had built up by repeating a story of being “wrong” over and over and over again. that story was based on the belief that if someone who loved me and whom i trusted could do such a thing to me, i must be broken, if i am broken than i need to hide that fact from the world in general. the deeper i went down that rabbit hole, the more credible the lie sounded and took on the patina of the “TRUTH!” and so it goes…
today has been quite the adventure and it is barely passed one PM. my trip to the hills has been cancelled. my parent's dog is in the emergency room. i am starting nine days off from work and instead of having distractions, either recreational or professional to take my mind off my melanoma, i have to face the feelings and mu obsession about possible outcomes. not the best place for this addict to be. all in all, quite a lot to chew on, as i face a stretch of days to fill with things to do and places not to go. perhaps this will be a major meeting week, one never knows.
i had planned on starting the job of grinding my pack rat drawer of financial documents i have been saving forever and that certainly sounds like the next task on my to-do list and the next right thing to do. i am clean, i am willing to do what it takes to be present and move forward in my life and most of all, i am willing to ask myself is this reality or is this yet another story based on a perception of something i misinterpreted when i was not paying attention. after all, my freedom today is contingent on my living in harmony with the reality of what is going on, just for today.

∞ DT ∞