Blog entry for:

i am learning to take life pretty much as it comes. so here it, the official start of my crazy time, those last ten weeks of my annual cycle, where i do everything i can do to go back to those terrible final days of active addiction. not that the cycle of my recovery is so predictable, but it does have a rhyme and reason to it, of sorts. “i want, i deserved or i am entitled to,” preface thoughts in my head that end with: “after all, i have ____ years clean!” it is no wonder i have a strong, read angry, reaction when i hear other members sharing about what they believe they are entitled to, as well.
that does not look like complacency to me, what that looks like is conceit, arrogance, and yes more than just a touch of stratification based on clean-time. before i get to much further down this track, i do need to say this: this is a program of total abstinence in this day only. i cannot assure anyone that i will be clean tomorrow, next week, in a year or in a decade. that does not mean that i am one of those who believes that clean time does not count for anything, either. to me, clean-times is an important component in the whole picture of my peers and friends, and it is important to acknowledge the accomplishment of staying clean, day after day, across the increments of years. those who think differently, well i will give them the grace to believe differently, but the results of what i have seen from that subset of my peers, is nothing i want in my personal life as a recovering addict.
so yes i am clean, just for today, but that chain of ‘just for todays’ has allowed me to be filled with the grace that only comes from living a program, no matter how many so-called “rest stops” i take along the way. the catch is, once you have been to a ninety meetings or so, there really is nothing new to hear, although there is plenty more to learn. yes, i firmly believe that if one attends ninety meetings in ninety days, they will hear everything that the program has to offer and see examples of how recovering addicts live their lives. even in the hell that was my first ninety days, i saw examples of who to stay away from, and those were most often the addicts who were doing the real deal, and who to get close to, and they were the addicts that exercised every loophole they could find. one of the addicts i tried to stay the furthest from, ended up becoming my third sponsor and i was certainly correct in my assumption that if i allowed him to know me, my journey through the loopholes would be gone forever. unlike Alice, i had someone to pull me out of the rabbit holes i find myself in, and i no longer find myself at tea parties with the Mad Hatter. it is interesting that i chose wonderland as a metaphor this morning, perhaps even ironic, as it has been used as a metaphor for active addiction in the past, so perhaps through the looking glass, would be a better metaphor for recovery. who knows, the point i am making is that yes, even though i struggled in my first ninety days. even though i did everything oi could to disqualify myself, even though i was not hones, willing or open-minded, i knew who had what i wanted and who did not, i was just 180 degrees out of synch with my true will in those days, and it took some time to be aligned with what i really wanted, long-term and sustainable clean-time, one day at a time.
which brings me to another diversion, tangent, or what have you. one of my peers, with thirty days clean, is already struggling with the difference between being clean and being numb. they share like i once felt, and when they first came in, they acted like they had this gig, down. i want to let them know, that they just need to keep coming back, and things will change. that will certainly be high on my to-do list this week! before the heat sets in, it is time to get my work out done. it is a great day to be clean and yes i can celebrate because of the program , my peers, and the POWER that fuels my recovery i have 6135 days in a row, weekends and holidays, clean! and that my friends, is certainly nothing i could have predicted back on this day 75 days or so, before the last time i used and actually started to hear what those who were already here, were trying to tell me: I NEVER HAD TO USE AGAIN, ONE DAY AT A TIME!

∞ DT ∞