Blog entry for:

change from what i once was, to a person guided by something MORE.
alright, i took out the whole divine reference this morning, i have to admit, that right now i am sort of pissed off at this whole HIGHER POWER gig, because i am not getting what i want WHEN I WANT IT! it is a simple as that and nothing more, and even writing it, i am red-faced embarrassed about how petty i am being. oh i could say something, oh so pithy and wise, about how this is a lesson in patience, or letting go, or another opportunity for growth, BUT i do not feel that way, and sometimes, like this morning, i like stewing in my own juices. at least i am not trying to game my fellow league members by gutting my team, because i cannot afford the entry fee and i do not anyone to actually want to buy it.
drama at 7:30 on labor day Sunday, what too much for me to handle, and yet what did i expect, dealing with a bunch of addicts.
so with all of that aside, i can finally get to this theme that ha\s seemed to be developing over the past ten days or so, namely the whole change gig, from a using addict to an addict living a program of recovery. yes, smacked upside the head by my SIXTH STEP, is part of what is going on. being withing 8 days of my clean date anniversary is another. excuses, justifications and rationalizations aside, i am feeling growing pains, and i DO NOT LIKE IT. as much as i like the results of the growth, the growth itself, SUCKS big time! if only there was a way to get here without the process, in other words, “beam me aboard Scotty, i am ready to be there.”
so here i am stuck in the process, adjusting my attitudes to fit today's reality and doing my best to live in the moment. using does not sound appealing, but a new laptop or jawbone bluetooth jambox may be just what the DR within ordered! as always, when i am not feeling like i think i should be, something anything looks like the solution.
okay, not a whole lot of HOPE and very little experience, more than enough puking. toeing the party line, i would say, all of that aside i am grateful for the opportunity to greet this day clean and launch into a list of all that sh!t i am grateful for today. which while true, is not how i want to leave this. no, as my friend Jack, is apt to say, i am afraid i am going to lose all that i have, sort of a JOB thing, as in the Bible, not as in some place i get paid to work at every day, and i am uncertain as to how i can go about holding on to it. and that is what i think the problem is right here and right now, a lack of FAITH in myself as a professional, the economy in general, and more importantly the POWER that fuels my recovery. having to back step into the core of my FAITH, i can feel that staying clean is the will of that POWER for me today, and the rest? well i have to allow it to be revealed.
yeah, yeah, yeah, LET LO AND LET GOD.
what am i going to do? well i am going to make the bed, move my load of laundry into the dryer, finish off my Speed Week cycle of running, do some more work in completing the projects on my desk and allow the day to unfold as it will. there will be more than one cigar in my future today and i am grateful my humidor is full. so off to the streets and into letting go, as best i can, at least for the next 15 seconds or so.

∞ DT ∞