ฮฒ i AM ready to have my defects removed ฮฒ
Posted: Wed, Nov 21, 2012 08:49:32 AM
i will let go and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for me.
as i was alluding to yesterday, i am near the end of STEP SIX, so this particular reading had quite the affect on me this morning. it took me back to a conversation i had with another addict as i was leaving the meeting last night, about the drama and agendas at a service committee meeting he attended, and all of a sudden i realized that IF i had been there, i would have been part of the problem, rather than part of the solution. just thinking about what he reported, still raises my emotional involvement to such and extent, that i am quite ready to have THE part of me removed that blocks me from being the person i have always wanted to be. not that i had been considering becoming part of that level of service again, but now i have enough evidence, that is not where i NEED to be, at least just for today.
as i sat quietly, what i heard was something along the lines, of don't they know who the fVck i am? they are supposed to cater and conform to my vision and get out of the way, so others can bring in some new and decidedly fresh ideas. i know where that is coming from as it is becoming more and more apparent that the majority, if not all of my shortcomings comes from the notion, that if i cannot be the best at anything, than i am probably not adequate at anything, so why bother? that belief, and it is a belief has been engrained in me so long, that i lie to myself about it being there and act out as if i know what is best for everyone else. i see it expressed in the behaviors of others and when the conversation turned on the line: “it is interesting to watch the character defects of addicts with DECADES clean come out,” it resonated within me.
yes i do know what it is like to have a public display of my shortcomings, and still believe i have the RIGHT to impose my will on the rest of the world. ironically one of the participants in that particular display once told me that i was just as pushy as they were, only i was more diplomatic about it. as true as that statement was, and still maybe, what i hear this morning is instead of diplomatic, is manipulative and hidden. my agenda was never out in the open, no matter how much i protested that it was. at least they are open about forcing their will and quite strong and loud about using the cloak of decades of clean time and time in service as some sort shield of invisibility, invincibility and invulnerability, because when it gets down to the meat of any argument, that is always the card they pull out. i understand that behavior, because i like it and emulate it, no matter how much i protest. it is a handy way to dismiss the views of others, in public and especially in my own head, when it comes time to review my day, after all I KNOW BEST and here is why…
as i sit here and dump this, there is a sick feeling within me, that maybe, i am not ready for the next phase of moving through this step. maybe, i like this so much, that i might as well rejoin the fray at the next gathering and add to ruckus of opposing the wills of others and the collective will of the service body in general. after all, i have enough strength that i can wear the others out, as i have demonstrated time and again. OR as i come towards the end of this particular writing, i can let go, continue to stay away and earn some self-respect, because if i go down that path, the respect i feel for myself will certainly sink to the level of my respect for them. yes, i may get the outcome i desire, but at what price and am i really willing and capable of paying that price today?
I THINK NOT!
so what i will do, is jump in the shower, do some work, cook the dawg her food and see what how much further along the path i can go, without imposing my will on anything that i do not have power over. it si a good day to let go and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for me.
as i was alluding to yesterday, i am near the end of STEP SIX, so this particular reading had quite the affect on me this morning. it took me back to a conversation i had with another addict as i was leaving the meeting last night, about the drama and agendas at a service committee meeting he attended, and all of a sudden i realized that IF i had been there, i would have been part of the problem, rather than part of the solution. just thinking about what he reported, still raises my emotional involvement to such and extent, that i am quite ready to have THE part of me removed that blocks me from being the person i have always wanted to be. not that i had been considering becoming part of that level of service again, but now i have enough evidence, that is not where i NEED to be, at least just for today.
as i sat quietly, what i heard was something along the lines, of don't they know who the fVck i am? they are supposed to cater and conform to my vision and get out of the way, so others can bring in some new and decidedly fresh ideas. i know where that is coming from as it is becoming more and more apparent that the majority, if not all of my shortcomings comes from the notion, that if i cannot be the best at anything, than i am probably not adequate at anything, so why bother? that belief, and it is a belief has been engrained in me so long, that i lie to myself about it being there and act out as if i know what is best for everyone else. i see it expressed in the behaviors of others and when the conversation turned on the line: “it is interesting to watch the character defects of addicts with DECADES clean come out,” it resonated within me.
yes i do know what it is like to have a public display of my shortcomings, and still believe i have the RIGHT to impose my will on the rest of the world. ironically one of the participants in that particular display once told me that i was just as pushy as they were, only i was more diplomatic about it. as true as that statement was, and still maybe, what i hear this morning is instead of diplomatic, is manipulative and hidden. my agenda was never out in the open, no matter how much i protested that it was. at least they are open about forcing their will and quite strong and loud about using the cloak of decades of clean time and time in service as some sort shield of invisibility, invincibility and invulnerability, because when it gets down to the meat of any argument, that is always the card they pull out. i understand that behavior, because i like it and emulate it, no matter how much i protest. it is a handy way to dismiss the views of others, in public and especially in my own head, when it comes time to review my day, after all I KNOW BEST and here is why…
as i sit here and dump this, there is a sick feeling within me, that maybe, i am not ready for the next phase of moving through this step. maybe, i like this so much, that i might as well rejoin the fray at the next gathering and add to ruckus of opposing the wills of others and the collective will of the service body in general. after all, i have enough strength that i can wear the others out, as i have demonstrated time and again. OR as i come towards the end of this particular writing, i can let go, continue to stay away and earn some self-respect, because if i go down that path, the respect i feel for myself will certainly sink to the level of my respect for them. yes, i may get the outcome i desire, but at what price and am i really willing and capable of paying that price today?
I THINK NOT!
so what i will do, is jump in the shower, do some work, cook the dawg her food and see what how much further along the path i can go, without imposing my will on anything that i do not have power over. it si a good day to let go and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for me.
∞ DT ∞