Blog entry for:

to seek THE continuing care and guidance of the POWER that fuels my recovery. just to be clear: i am not one of those doubters or superstitious members, i have NO DOUBT that there is a POWER that provides what i need and i do what i do, becuase the perponderance of the evidence is that it works for me. even though some of the stuff i do on a twice daily basis, seems to suggest that i have a differnt view of my spiritual side that i purport to have, it just is not true. all that i do or do not do, on a daily basis, is to seek a balance between the part of me i call addiction and my life in active recovery. to achieve that balance, i pray, becuase tht takes ego out of the equataion. asking for the power to stay clean today from the POWER that fuels my recovery, creates an environment within my spiritual life that allows me to grow.
anyhow, getting here has been quite a trip, in both the here and now as part of this little exercise as well as in the grand scheme of my life as an addict in recovery. today i am what i am, as a result of the POWER that fuels my recovery, not in spite of it, although getting my feet firmly planted on this path, seems like a series of coincidences and random chance, i am certain that i am on the correct path. it truly has been quite a week, and this morning i see that the lesons i have had in what i can and cannot change, were needed. i got to celebrte the recovery anniversaries of several friends and peers in recovery, i got to see what happens IF i decide that somehow a fundamental fact about myself has changed and this morning i GET to be present for all this and so much more. as a result, i have more FAITH than ever, that when life presents a challenge or three, i will have what i need to get through that challenge, without the use of mood and mind-altering substances. i may not like what is going on, but if i allow myself to tap into the POWER that fuels my recovery, i can come to tolerate it, and yes even accept that it is as it is.
so what does any of this have to do with anxiety? for me, when i am wlaking the path of active recovery, doing the things i have done since way back when, i can explore my feelings and perceptions and see f my anxiety is the result of something i SHOULD be afraid of, or if it is the addict within, projecting about stuff that may or may not be real. the truth most of the time lues somewhere in between. yes, the death of a using addict is always a possibility, but they do not die, so i can stay clean, i actually cringe every time i hear someone say that. yes, an addict choosing to use after years of clean-time is upsetting to me, but to say that they went out to do the research, also makes me cringe, after all, not every act or event that happens, is for my specific benefit. those mishaps re not gifts, BUT i can learn from them and use the understanding that comes from a connection with the POWER that fuesl my recovery to put them in their proper perspective. anxiety, than is just another feeling, and the more i look at it, the more manufactured it seems. when i feel anxious, i look for causes, many times, what it boils down to, is that i am contemplating doing something that is not acceptable to me. such as, reaching out to have the last word.
where does that leave me? well for one, i am grateful that i can feel and more importantly, stop my default behaviors, that arise as a reaction to those feelings. i am grateful that i have a framework that allows me to grow into a man that i would have never dreamt was possible. i am mostly grateful, that when i feel lost, frightened and yes, even anxious, i have a well of power that i can draw from, that will give me what i NEED to handle those feelings in a manner that i can be proud of. that well is what i call the POWER that fuels my recovery and i am so grteful, that i no longer need to question if IT exists or if i need to define the face of that POWER, any more. IT just is, and just for today, i can surrender my anxiety into the care of that POWER as well as the rest of my will and my life.

∞ DT ∞