Blog entry for:

in most cases, i see that most of my fears and concerns do not need my immediate attention.
as i sit here one week away from a well-deserved break, i could find lots to be anxious about. i was a worry wart from way back, and diagnosed as having panic disorder, when i was in very early recovery. as i grow, and i do not know if i am growing up or what, as i was saying as i grow in recovery, i find that there is less and less to get anxious about. that does not mean i have nothing to be concerned about and focus my attention upon, but i need not take any of those issues, beyond the level of concern. two clichés are very appropriate here, one was quoted in the reading about GOD not bringing me this far only to abandon me, the other is: “worrying is a lack of FAITH.”
now that i have taken a detour into the bumper sticker pool, i can actually go beyond parroting what i heard in those bon mots today. i do believe that the POWER that fuels my recovery WILL give me everything i NEED today. it is how that comes to me, that i stray off the beaten path. i hear my peers speaking about praying for all sorts of things, events and people, and their testimony about how prayer works for them. while that is nice for them, for me, there is an element of disgust when i start praying for outcomes, as it feels like the foxhole prayers that i was quite practiced at, back in active addiction. that is not to say, that i have never prayed for a way out of the mess i put myself in, even after having some days under my belt. there have been times when i was so blinded by self-will and looking good, that i lost sight of what was really going on, and nearly dragged others down the drain with me. when i asked for THE solution, what i got was one of many solutions, among them being the path i finally took. the metaphor i used at the time, and still use today, is that i had painted myself into the corner and the house was on fire, so i had to paint a door behind my back and pray for the POWER that fuels my recovery, to open it. when i finally stopped to listen to what i was being told, stuff happened and i am happier and healthier today, because of those dark days. i know who i am, and although i still worry from time to time, my FAITH in the program of recovery i have been given and the POWER that fuels my recovery, is unwavering. for me, this is the only way to live, at least today. others may choose to mix and match, and if that works for them, fine. for me, when i do so, i am setting myself up as being unique and different, better or worse than my peers, separate but equal, to complete the illustration. when my ego is pummeled every time i work STEP ONE it is a good thing, as i have the rest of the steps to lead me back to reality. when i have to surrender those things that block me form fulfilling the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, in STEP SEVEN, it is only because i realize how DEFECTIVE those traits are. for me, softening the blow, reduces my desire to be rid of them. when i choose to sample other fellowships, i am telling myself that i need to be treated in pieces, rather than as a whole. and when i get envious of others, what i am doing is denying that i have been given all that i can handle today, that i can be whatever i want to be, spiritually anyhow, if i allow msyelf to let go of self-will, outcomes and my defects of character, that continue to hinder my growth.
anyhow, i have much to accomplish today, so i guess i will sign-off, head on out and look for the next right thing to do, as i am certain it has already been put into my path.

∞ DT ∞