Blog entry for:

i can utilize the resources of the program that has saved my life to deal with anything that comes my way. so here i sit waiting for my IPOD to update and thinking about anxiety, every time i have done these updates it has hosed my IPOD so i am more than a bit anxious about the outcome today. a real luxury anxiety, as if it were not fro the program that had given me this new life, i would only be envious of having a toy i could not afford. of course, everything went fine for the first time, so i can move into something different. yes, there are days i feel so overwhelmed that i do not know where to turn, that is silly of course, because i have a relationship with a HIGHER POWER that i can find comfort and solace in. and of course, when i am twisting the very last thing on my mind is that relationship, i return to my animal instincts, those that i was born with and those that were finely honed over the course of twenty-five years of active addiction and look for the answers there. when i end up in that place there is only a binary choice FIGHT or FLIGHT. all of my behaviors fall neatly into those two categories and no matter how rationally i want those behaviors to be, they simply are reactions from my reptile brain.
the reading suggests that i stop, take a breath and then move forward through various higher brain functions and behaviors. intuitively i know this is the correct course of action, but most of time i do not stop for that breath and am acting out of pure self-will before i know it.
so it sounds quite hopeless, without a doubt, this is a bit of hyperbole however. i am better at stopping before acting or better put reacting these days. i do remember that i have the tools necessary to survive whatever curves ball life happens to dish up on a daily basis, and the greatest of these is that relationship i have built over time with a POWER GREATER THAN ME. so before i run, i want to say that today, no matter what happen i will keep in mind that i have not been brought this far only to get thrown to the lions. i have everything i need to thrive another day in recovery.

∞ DT ∞