Blog entry for:

is still with me and will continue to guide me if i allow IT to do so.
just a bit of a grammar tweak there, to make a point. i am not one of those that believes in predestination or in some overarching divine plan, but there were certainly more than enough “unusual” events that drove me to recovery. that being said, i can move into the actual topic at hand, namely allowing that POWER to continue to work in my life. thi8s whole feeling my way to the next right thing gig, is more than a bit tough for me, and at times i just want to say fVck it and toss it into the bit bucket of bad ideas. when i was looking for signs and believed i was being spoken to through the people in my life, i felt more centered and yes in control. all of those pieces of data had to be run through the filter of my conscious self, compiled into some sort of rational order and acted upon. when i look at that process through that lens, i see that i was in control, or at least had the illusion of control. that felt good, and yes i know that “good” i s not a feeling. better put, that set of behaviors and attitude, evoked feelings of joy and a bit of certainty in a very uncertain world. once again, i not only had the map of the minefield called life, but i could pick and choose my way through it, which is what i seem to want most of the time, power and control. this whole feeling my way to the next right thing paradigm, is tough, as i have never been well-versed in feeling my way to anywhere, except maybe to third base. so aligning my actions to the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, or what i am coming to see as harmony with the world around me, is a battle that i struggle at, instead of surrendering to. i can hear myself telling the men i sponsor and my peers who ask, that surrender is the key to this whole gig, and yet i see that i am doing everything i can do to stay in control, of my life and even those who are a part of that life.
as i heard yesterday from one of those men, identification and realization of the problem is the first step towards solving the problem. the unfortunate part of that notion, is that this problem cannot and will not be solved by any application of force by me. nope, this is one of those unnatural situations for me, where i NEED to let go, breathe and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to do ITs stuff and get way the fVck out of the way. with that being said, i guess i have written enough, and i can go grab a shower and get moving out into the real world. and yes, feel my way to the next right thing, no matter how hard i may THINK that is.

∞ DT ∞