Blog entry for:

my long dreaded FOURTH STEP started to take shape yesterday and as i prognosticated many times, it unleashed a torrent of emotion, about the perceived harm to me, long before i first used. in fact, as i did my 10TH STEP inventory, every little **pain** inflicted upon me as a child, came up to the surface and created an unbalanced state of being, within me. the fact is, i was not an abused child, nor was i neglected in any way. there is only one event that shames and humiliates me to this day, that i need to address with my sponsor, and that will happen later this week. i was sorely tempted to call my parents and berate them for being so mean to me, way back when, but decided to breathe, let it go for the evening and go to bed and attempt to sleep. when i woke up this morning, i realized that all of that ancient history was not as bad as it felt last night, but certainly did need to be brought to the surface and “felt” once again.
as i “sat” this morning, i had gained a little perspective and realize that i opened a can of worms that contained an explosive level of unprocessed feelings, yesterday afternoon. those feelings have been processed and in the cold hard light of this morning i can once again see that, way back then, my parents did he best they could with what they had. i survived my childhood, i survived active addiction, i survived early recovery and this morning i am thriving in a life of active recovery. by pausing and allowing myself to feel what i needed to feel, i gave myself the FREEDOM to move forward from the quagmire of feelings that has kept me trapped for all these decades. it was not the actions of my parents that “made” me use, but once i started using what they did faded from being relevant to my life. ironically, growing up most of my resentments were towards my Dad, especially when i was a teenager, when it was actually my Mom, who was the “perpetrator” of all that “evil.”
moving into this week, i have three days of work, one late night, and an afternoon walk with a close friend on the books. oh yeah, i need to complete my 4TH STEP as i stopped as i was writing about guilt and shame yesterday. i know the only path through to a more balanced and less anxious state of being, is to complete the work in front of me and uncover the relics of my past, that are still haunting me today. i know that the passion i once felt for my recovery, is still there, even if the “shine” has been dulled by the buckets of shit i am still carrying around with me. i also know there is a process to rid myself of that load, now and forever. my job is to complete my inventory and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to guide me to somewhere on the other side, just for today.

∞ DT ∞