Blog entry for:

even after i got clean, my identity was built on fantasy: who p could be, would be, should be, or even who i used to be. it took a bit of doing and certainly more than one trip through the steps for me to see that i may have been broken, but i no longer needed to hide that fact from those around me. the defeatist delusions that fed my paranoia about being “found out” led to years of isolation and distance from those who were best suited to assist me in my recovery journey. coming out of that fog and seeing who i am for the first time since i was five years old, brings up all sorts of stuff when i start dealing with others, but most importantly i know where i belong, safely in the arms of the fellowship that has given me this new manner in which to live.
this morning, after a year in away from my tried and true source material, i have decided to peek at both sources to choose the one that best fits that day. this morning it was self-acceptance and belonging vs anxiety attack. as it is plainly evident i chose the former rather than the latter. i am more than certain that this will not always be the case moving forward.
since my Mom passed away, i have been dealing with her caregiver, who is a using addict, living a life as self-entitled victim, waiting for their pay day. they are living in my Mom's house rent free and are all about eking out every dime they can from the estate. they drive her car, they use her utilities and internet and they seem to be clueless that if they want an apartment, that they have to get off their ass and get a job. when i was confronted about when i was going to pay them for their work around the house. i had to give them a reality check and it did not make them very happy. i am still waiting for their invoice with the hours and tasks they believe they “should” be paid for as well as the recipes for the “clean supplies” they allegedly purchased. perhaps twenty-four hours is not long enough the craft a document that will support some ridiculous claim, i will certainly be surprised if i receive the invoice before Monday.
enough about them, what this is about is how i am feeling after dealing with them. i feel dirty and as if i need a very long and very hot spiritual shower, as all of what i described above, fits me to a tee. before i did some major step work, i believed i was entitled to stuff, specifically a way through the world where i could sit back, and do nothing, but live under a roof and eat at least two meals a day. nothing was my fault and the consequences of my bad decision-making, were more proof that i was a victim of life in general and the world was out to get me. today, i know that i make my own luck, by being present for what is happening around me, considering the consequences of my decisions and accepting them., without reservations. i volunteer for my misery and renting space in my head to the addict mentioned above, is all on me. i am not a victim of Mount Sanitas or Mount Kilimanjaro, i am a victim of my desire to be more fit and obsessively over-training. this morning, as i step out for a walk around the hood, i will remember that my ability to run and hike in the future, will rest on how kind i treat myself through my rehab and to date, it has been pretty dang brutal. just for today, i will accept that i am far from perfect, my insides will never match the outsides of anyone w=else, but that does not mean i do not belong.

∞ DT ∞