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okay, i have to admit i was wrong yesterday when i said i had only written on FEB 29th once, it was actually twice and now that i wrote yesterday that makes three times. :)
i am not quite sure, why they would use anxiety attack for a title, for me, someone who has been diagnosed with panic disorder, it seems a bit trite what is seems to be describing is a sense of panic and certainly feeling overwhelmed by life in all its glory. i get the feeling that is being described, being someone that used to live there all the time, and when i let go of what i feel, and what is being described, i can see that it is a very very mild approximation of how i used to feel all the time and will concede that point today.
since i opened that door, i guess i might as well walk through it. when i was “diagnosed” i thought it was a result of being very early in recovery and the whole newbie kind of dealing with the avalanche of feelings gig that was going on. across the years i derided that diagnosis, as i became less prone to panic attacks and anxiety, through the process of working the steps and living the program. when i look back on the way i felt, from before the first time i used, right up until today, i see that maybe that shrink was not so wrong after all. i certainly felt overwhelmed in social situations, and had i not self-medicated my way through life, i more than likely would be locked in my house, afraid to step outside, because of the overwhelming sense of anxiety and panic i would feel. panic disorder is a self-feeding feedback cycle that destroys any sense of reality that one may have, about themselves and their relationship with the world around them, and i certainly was that, from way back when. by changing my behavior, and walking into the rooms, day after day, i changed the way i felt and the panic that at times used to overwhelm me, is now nearly undetectable.
stepping back to what was described in the reading, i am subject to that as well. the cure it would seem would be to put some FAITH into the POWER that fuels my recovery. i am not certain that the notion that “GOD did not bring me to recovery, only to drop me on my a$$,” fits in my spiritual view these days, BUT i am certain that when i tap into the spiritual abundance that is provided to me, i can rest certain that things are and it is my job just to be. i am also quite certain that as the reading suggests, that if i stop, take a breath, and see what needs to be dealt with right here and right now, and what can wait, i will find a little bit of SERENITY and feel a bit less stressed and overwhelmed.
today? well i have a million things on my mind. i have three sponsees that need a minute of my time, i have a service commitment that needs to be taken care of, i have work which is piling up because they feel like it is ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE because i am going on vacation and i still need to take care of all the things i have to do before i pack it in and take off. yes, if i allowed myself to go on and on, i could spin myself into such a tizzy, who knows where i would end up. what i will do, i wrap this up, take the garbage out to the street, log into work and just breathe. everything just is,a nd it is time for me to just be, right here and right now and see what i can and will get done.

∞ DT ∞