Blog entry for:

well i have been running since i woke up this morning to catch up with all the things that i neglected over the weekend. getting ready to lose a weekend to service has caused a bit of backlog on the tasks i need to accomplish, but sometimes it feels good to have some running to do.
anyhow, this has been an issue of great confusion for me. when i was working my ninth step last time, there were a few people that i wanted to make amends to that had no knowledge of the harm i had caused. i really hate doing indirect amends because they do not have the same feel of relief that direct ones do. i feel duplicitous not coming clean by inventorying all the harm i have done someone. somehow i want to let them know all that i have done and let them react and interact with me with full knowledge of the shit i have been to them in the past. i am sure i feel like an amends should be like the confessional booth, i need to come totally clean and be forgiven all my sins against them. the literature is very clear on this issue, the amends process is not a confession, but rather a chance to fix the apparent damage i have done and learn to live in a manner that will minimize the harm i do in the future.
i have witnessed what the result is when a direct amends covers terra incognito and have learned to forgive myself for the damage done in the past, when i need to make an indirect amends. thank GOD that i have has men in my life who choose to sponsor me and take me through this process and understood when and what i needed to share in my amends process.
∞ DT ∞