α easing my guilty conscience or taking responsibility Ω
Posted: Tue, May 23, 2006 07:09:32 AM
this notion is always a confusing one, especially when i apply it to myself without the guidance of an objective third party such as my sponsor.
i remember when i was struggling to get clean and find a bit of recovery, i was ready to go to everyone i had hurt across the course of my life and puke-up my remorse, throw myself at their feet and ask for forgiveness. extreme? perhaps, but i vacillated between this abject misery to an attitude that everything i had done was a result of those people and the last thing i needed in my life was guilt for actions that i was forced into doing! so needless to say i was confused about the whole amends thing.
after i got clean and actually started working a step or seven, i realized that i had no clue about what harm i had really done, who i had really hurt, and how to repair the damage i left in my wake. that is when the man who agreed to sponsor me stepped-in and gently guided me towards using the material i had written to take an objective look at my path through active addiction and find out what i had done, who i had hurt and what i needed to do. and truthfully, the damage i had done was not as extensive as i once believed nor was it non-existent, it fit somewhere in the middle of demonic and angelic -- you know human.
to this day, i still have to check with my sponsor when i think i owe an amends and get his direction to proceed with cleaning-up my part. although i would love to plainly state that i no longer do no harm, that is not the case yet! i still suffer from the condition of being human and frail and act of of motives that are less than angelic...
... so it goes, i am working on getting better and not on getting perfect and that is why i still have and use a sponsor. i need guidance, direction and a bit of unconditional love and i still get all that and more from him. i am in a good space this morning and need not dump my guilty conscience on anyone, but i do have to take responsibility for my actions and recovery, and i think i will!
i remember when i was struggling to get clean and find a bit of recovery, i was ready to go to everyone i had hurt across the course of my life and puke-up my remorse, throw myself at their feet and ask for forgiveness. extreme? perhaps, but i vacillated between this abject misery to an attitude that everything i had done was a result of those people and the last thing i needed in my life was guilt for actions that i was forced into doing! so needless to say i was confused about the whole amends thing.
after i got clean and actually started working a step or seven, i realized that i had no clue about what harm i had really done, who i had really hurt, and how to repair the damage i left in my wake. that is when the man who agreed to sponsor me stepped-in and gently guided me towards using the material i had written to take an objective look at my path through active addiction and find out what i had done, who i had hurt and what i needed to do. and truthfully, the damage i had done was not as extensive as i once believed nor was it non-existent, it fit somewhere in the middle of demonic and angelic -- you know human.
to this day, i still have to check with my sponsor when i think i owe an amends and get his direction to proceed with cleaning-up my part. although i would love to plainly state that i no longer do no harm, that is not the case yet! i still suffer from the condition of being human and frail and act of of motives that are less than angelic...
... so it goes, i am working on getting better and not on getting perfect and that is why i still have and use a sponsor. i need guidance, direction and a bit of unconditional love and i still get all that and more from him. i am in a good space this morning and need not dump my guilty conscience on anyone, but i do have to take responsibility for my actions and recovery, and i think i will!
∞ DT ∞