Blog entry for:

before diving into the topic, that kept me tossing and turning last night, that consumed the brief bit i could sit and listen this morning and that is on the top of the stack today, i will say this: amends are best made under the guidance of a sponsor. no argument here, this seems to be one of those Cap'n Obvious readings, and i totally agree, time to move along.
on my way to work yesterday, i passed by the aftermath of an accident, apparently a big-ass pick-up truck ran into the back of an RTD bus. this was certainly a lesson in physics, as the bus looked relatively unscathed and the truck will be going to the junkyard, as it was trashed. if it was snowing yesterday, or the roads were icy, i could understand how such a thing might happen, but based on the damage the truck sustained, i would say, that the driver was moving quickly and did not even attempt to stop, until the laws of physics took over. okay, i get it, what does a dumb-ass truck driver have to do with my recovery? well not knowing what was going on, in the seconds before the crash, all i can do, is use that accident as a metaphor for what seems to be consuming me lately. when is my TWELVE STEP work considered a failure. someone i am very close to, who understands all about what they are, accepts it at least at an intellectual level and has the desire to stop using, used against their will again. am i that dumb-ass truck driver, running smack dab into the back end of addiction, and having no HOPE of helping anyone else? after all, it must have been something i did NOT say or did NOT do, that caused my peer to return once again, to the comfort of a familiar and deadly behavior. should i take this as a sign, that this particular peer is beyond my reach and stop running into the large ass back-end of their addiction? have i lost my ability to carry the message to the still suffering addict, and the time has come to pack it in, stay safe within my fellowship and hang with my peers that have a bit of time? am i totaled and looking for a new vehicle to move forward?
of course, when i type those questions out, what i am seeing is not TWELFTH STEP questions, but self-will THIRD STEP questions. i am believing my own hype and seeing myself as having power over addiction, someone else's albeit, but power nevertheless. what i am now seeing in that metaphor, it was my self-will and my expectations of a very desirable outcome, that is driving my obsession with what i could and could not do, and it is time to step back emotionally and allow this passion play, the opportunity to play out. admitting that i was wrong, not about what and how i did things, but in expecting THE outcome i desired, i where i am moving today. yes the peer who i last carried the message to, has used. yes they are unsure of how such a thing could happen. and yes, they still need all the support i am willing to offer. this pick-em-up truck, is not getting towed to the junkyard, yes my self will is lies broken on the street and rightfully deserve to be hauled away. my determination to support my newest peer, remains unaltered, but i will stop investing emotionally in the outcome i desire, namely that they get clean, stay clean and rebuild their shattered life, one day at a time. i will carry the message and stop carrying this addict, as that never works out well for anyone, when all is said and done.
it is, a great day to be clean, and maybe, i will get to see the sun today as well.

∞ DT ∞