Blog entry for:

my guilty conscience, no it is about taking responsibility for my actions and my life. the reading was all about making amends, and how that process is different than just unburdening myself of the garbage i created and may still create today. i get that, and i can move along to something else, in a similar, but not quite realm of active recovery.
i was speaking to a peer last night about the events that transpired over the weekend. they kept trying to spin it as some sort of “positive” experience and even used one of my old standby lies: “well, at least i did not use.” when i wanted to justify my acting out, i was certain to use that line or “i am so powerless over…” one of the most upsetting and most comfortable things i found in my early recovery, was that when i shared about doing stuff that was not in the slightest way spiritual, i could always end it with at least i did not…, and the group would be all over me, for not using. it seemed as if i could say i murdered twenty people, but at least i did not drink, and all was good. the group forgave me “sins,” and i was good to go on my merry way, my conscience was relieved and i could do the next wrong thing, without fear of reprisal after all, this was an anonymous program and not drinking was the highest achievement, one day at a time. when i finally became a member of the fellowship that is my home today, i realized that not using was not the panacea for my less than stellar behavior, i thought it was, in fact many members came up and would ask me, “so now what the fVck are you going to do, to take responsibility for those actions.”
that was quite upsetting and rocked my world to say the least. owning what i did and ending it with an at least, was not getting the response i was used to, and in a good addict manner, i sought another loophole to dive through. as part of working a first step, i found my new out: POWERLESSNESS! if addiction was a disease and if my uncontrollable use of drugs a mere symptom of that disease, than acting out, was just part of addiction and i was totally powerless over that. i could act out with impunity because i was powerless. all i had to do is use the FIRST STEP to cover my tracks, and BOOM, like magic i was absolved of all and any responsibility, the ultimate “the devil made me do it,” out. that also worked for a bit of time, although i still did not get what i wanted from the group when i added i was powerless after sharing about yet another episode of acting out. in fact more than one member, asked me if i had spoken to my sponsor and what did he have to say?
what was missing from my realm of consciousness was not a conscience, after all, i was looking for the ways and means to assuage my guilty conscience and using the group as a confessional, to do just that. no what i was seeking was the means to keep doing what i was doing and abdicating any sort of responsibility in making the choices that i did. i NEEDED to develop a lie to myself to cover my tracks and avoid taking any responsibility, so a bit of positive spin on being a total sh!t, was called for and i thought i had found it within the FIRST STEP. when my sponse finally stopped, me, took me aside and asked me what i thought i was doing, i rattled off all the lies i used to justify my actions and he just laughed. after he got up off the floor, he quite sternly and with great emphasis explained to me that powerlessness does not override choices and responsibilities to myself. if i wanted to be an a$$hole, fine, but i had to realize that i was making conscious choices to do so, especially since i had over eighteen months clean and a bit of time free from active addiction. in fact, it was about time, i realized where my responsibility lay and what i NEEDED to do, to make better choices and live an actual program of recovery. looking good, and using the group as my confessor, was nit necessarily the best course of action to take, and although there was certainly a step for that, which i had yet to get to, i did not need to continue to create more wreckage, in my recovery journey. sure i continue down the path i was going and maybe i would not use again, but in his experience, that is not how things seemed to shake out. sooner or later the cognitive dissonance would get to me and i would have to make a change, which may or may not have reset my clean date. i miss that sponsor, as he was always straight forward and never sugar-coated anything he need to say. i do, however, now have the best sponsor in the world and he keeps my on that same track. whenever i feel the need to justify and rationalize something, chances are it is something i made a choice to do and it was not the next right thing to do. i am good today with both being powerless addiction and the necessity to own and take responsibility for my actions and choices. life on this side of the lawn is good, even though it could be better and just for today, i CAN own what i need to and choose to behave differently, after all, i hate owning mistakes and consequences.

∞ DT ∞