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when i was in active addiction and certainly for the first eighteen months of recovery, i saw relationships as zero sum games, that i had to be certain to get the most power. dealing with my so-called recalcitrant sponsee, i see my once and overarching mantra, had i been aware of it, would have been: “the one with the most power, WINS,” coming back to haunt me. the only difference, is that i refuse to get dragged into that game. from this side of that equation, i see even my obstinate refusal to play that game, is in and of itself, another move. i am at a loss, as how to drag someone out of a zero sum scenario when they cannot even see and acknowledge that is what they are doing. my hear and my head says giving him something to work on, that is concrete, measurable and verifiable, will change this equation one way or another.
more on point to the reading today, i asked my sponse for permission to do an amends with my Dad, as we approached his final breath. he was not in a good place that day, my sponse, that is, but what he said was that it would be unfair to my Dad, as he was already beyond interacting with and asked what my motives were. what i said that afternoon and what i believe right now, was that my desire was not to make amends but to assuage my guilty conscience and say those words so my dad could carry them to his grave. a final “confession” as it were, to make me feel better and that would have had an unknown affect of my dying father. when i get to STEP NINE, i will be making my graveside amends and my Dad, rest his soul, did not have to “listen” to my litany of sins, as he struggled to live yet another day.
the paragraphs above, may “feel” unrelated, but what i see is the link to my need to “win relationships” at all costs, no matter what the other party needs to pay. i am certainly better than that theses days, but hardly “cured” of it, as my behaviors indicate. if not for the the brusque words of wisdom from Carlos, i would be making yet another amends to myself, for burdening my Dad with information that he did not need to know. i am grateful that when it came time, at least in my head, to make those final amends, i had the presence of mind to make that phone call and actually take a bit of direction.
as i prepare to step out into this unsettled morning and get some steps in, i can be certain of a couple of things. the first being that when i defer to the POWER that fuels my recovery, the amount of harm i do in any one day is minimized. the second being, that as i forgive myself for constructing an identity based on a number of little lies, springing form the wellspring of the BIG LIE, i am already making a living amends to my Dad as well as to myself. today, i have fewer illusions about my past and i see the issues i am having with the man mentioned above are part and parcel of seeing who i once was and could be once again. taking care of myself, spiritually, physically and emotionally, is what i am all about, just for today.

∞ DT ∞