Blog entry for:

for the harm i did and responsibly amending those harms, are two concepts that have been drilled into me since i worked my first NINTH STEP way back when. i have a peer and sponsee who still owes his ex-wife one million dollars from his first attempt at making amends. that attempt was made without much guidance from his sponsor about form and substance and as a result had to be redone, when he had the proper context and understanding , in place. even though i was a bit “hot” about not making my amends to my Dad on his deathbed a little overt a year ago, i understand why my sponsor gave me the specific direction he did. that was not really about making amends, it was about clearing my remorse and guilt and to saddle my Dad with that, when he was unable to respond,, would have been a betrayal of all that i have come to accept since i decided to live a program of recovery.
it is not odd that when i sit, i often rapidly dismiss the topic at hand and dive into some tangent. this morning was no exception. one of those roads i traveled this morning was a litany of who “owes” me amends. as that list grew and grew and grew, i realized i was setting myself up for a HUGE disappointment and an emotional storm that i really do not care to weather. the fact of the matter is, whether or not they ever wake up and smell the coffee or not, is not my stuff. my stuff is to forgive and give them the opportunity to come to a place, in their own time, when they, themselves, can acknowledge their “sins” and accept responsibility for them. holding my breath until they do will only give me a headache and stifle my own spiritual growth. what started out as a list of what i am owed turned into an opportunity for me to forgive them and in the process forgive myself. that process, an ongoing part of my active recovery, is certainly not a bad focus for me, as i start my drive down to another day at work. i see that life is too short to carry the burden of the sins of others or expect reparations any time soon. i am good with that, just for right now, but we will see what happens as the day rolls by.

∞ DT ∞