Blog entry for:

one way to insure that i do not, is by working the Ninth Step responsibly. the reading goes on to tell me how to do that, and instead of copying and pasting all their words here, i figured i would just move along, as there really is nothing more to see from what is already written. once again, ii am just another choir boy , when it come to this topic, of course i no never want to hurt the ones i love again. of course, being human, i will fall short of that, BUT, recovery provides me a manner of living that insures the frequency of hurting those i love will be greatly reduced IF i actually live in the manner that is suggested. which of course circles me back to the choir boy and today, although i believe that wholeheartedly, there may be something different on my mind that needs to be spilled here, so give me a second to be present and quiet and let me see what comes up…
…well considering amends, the NINTH STEP and my last set of steps, as well as considering what is going on right now in my head and my heart, what i came up with was something i have not felt in a long time, namely HOW IS MY LAST AMEND COMING ALONG? an interesting question, as that was an amend to me, and although i am not supposed to say it out loud for FEAR of being called some kind of self-absorbed, self-centered narcissist, the loved one i hurt the most often is me. the stick i use most often to hurt myself is that of humility, followed in a close second by selflessness, and rounding out the top three, service. ironic how well i use spiritual principles to keep myself in the chains of agony, and best of all it can be so easily justified and rationalized by the trail of selfish destruction i left behind in active addiction. one quick trip down memory lane and BOOM, here i am deserving all the punishment i am inflicting upon myself.
sick -- sick --sick
so where do i go from here? well first off, towards a more balanced life that is truly humble and not one that just looks that way. yes i know who i am, but the problem i have is living exactly that way. i want to be humble, i want to feel humble, but i want everyone to see how humble i really am, and tell me that they see how humble i am. i still have yet to have the NEED to get approval from the outside totally removed, and as i sit here this morning preparing for a physical fitness exercise, i can see what spiritual fitness exercise i can do. as i run this morning, i will let my head clear out and allow myself to feel the joy of just being able to be outside and have the ability to push my body through an exercise regimen. there are those in my life, who lack the capability to do anything to help themselves in this respect. i have the desire and the ability to do so, and being kinder to myself, is what this whole running gig is all about. i want to do what i can to have a better life, the 12 STEPS are my spiritual fitness program, my silly little console game exercises my brain to keep it fir and running completes the package by filling the physical side. so back to the question at hand, how am i doing on my amends to myself? not too shabby, there is of course room for some improvement, especially in my assertive aggressive response, BUT like everything else in my life today, this to is a process, and all i have to be is willing to do the next right thing. this morning i am willing to give it my best shot!

∞ DT ∞