Blog entry for:

from my defects, is certainly a different look at what making amends, under the guidance of a sponsor, can do for me. this morning i do not feel connected to anything spiritual and want to live out all of my shortcomings. i want some relief from the daily grind of living and i am not sure why, today, is any different than the days that have come before this one. i see some of my friends and peers just living in their defects of character and seemingly enjoying the rewards they are reaping for doing so. i want some FREEDOM from living a life as a “responsible and productive member of society,” even if it is just for a few hours. i want to be able to do so, anonymously and without consequences, sort of like how it happened in the “good” days, especially since i have cleaned up the damage i did, while being in active addiction. in short, i want to be a shit, get away with it and come back to the spiritual program all spiritual and pretend that nothing happened. nice work when i can get it.
now that i have put that out for consumption by the faceless masses on the web, i see what is really going on. i am jealous and envious of those i see living in denial of what they are, and what they are doing. i want to figure out how they can give themselves a pass, when i cannot. i do not believe i am more enlightened than they are. i do not believe they are more clever or smarter than i am. i am coming to believe that the lies they tell themselves may just be good enough for me, with a bit of alteration to fit who i am. the problem, as i see it, is what happens when my web of lies that hold up my wall of denial, gets trashed, as it did in the course of my recovery process. am i really willing to pay the price, make the amends and admit the wrongs i did, once i see myself in the cold harsh light of reality? the answer i keep getting when i ask that question is, not today. which means that i have to find the ways and means to accept that what is, simply is and what may be, has yet to be determined. i can affect the what “may be,” by traipsing off the recovery path i am on and taking a detour into living through my character defects, pretending since i have them, that must be how i was intended to be.
getting all of that down, i feel a bit more secure in my resolve to see myself through this spiritual rough patch. i have the ways and means to CHOOSE to be a better man and the resources to live a life based on spiritual principles, just for today. what my friends and peers choose to do, will come back to visit them. i am clueless and powerless to the how and when of those consequences, but i am not powerless of choosing to let go of my envy of how i see their outsides and be comfortable in my own skin today.

∞ DT ∞