Blog entry for:

in active addiction, i left a trail of destruction in my wakes and harmed anyone who got in my way.
take two, now that i am paying attention.
this morning, i can see the hyperbole in that statement, but it really is not far off the mark. i was however, a bit more on the down low, and most of my victims, especially the ones that were the closest to me, and loved me the most, were clueless about what i was pulling off. that put me into a very sticky situation, as it were, on that very first round of amends. that is why i am glad that i am in a tradition of sponsors who continually rework the steps, as most of the amends i made in round one, needed some correction in round two. part of the problem, at least for me, was that first time around, i was in the wrong fellowship and the steps, as they are worked over there, left me plenty of wiggle room. as a step lawyer, i did my best to crawl though and exploit every ambiguity and loophole, in what was written and what was practiced, as part of that fellowship, and STEP NINE was hardly any exception. most of the harm i did inventory, was quickly dismissed as being harmful to others, if revealed and voilà, those direct amends were washed away.
time in the correct fellowship with me and sponsors who were grounded in how things are done here, changed all of that. under the guidance of my sponsor, i revisited STEP NINE, and the second time around had to face my past, and really do something about allowing myself to become the man i always wanted to be. there is a payoff as part of the consequences of REALLY working a NINTH STEP, namely, each time through the steps, the harm i do diminishes and the amends i need to make diminish in number as well. which is the evidence i seek, when evaluating if this whole recovery gig is paying off.
anyhow, today i am running a bit late. it was a great meeting last night, and it is always nice to hear one of the men, downstream from me, seem to get what this program is all about. for a change i might have left that meeting feeling serene and satisfied, and in the long run i did. the only thing that marred my experience was the medical troubles of one of our members, who has yet to get that maybe, sometimes, they can shutting up and sitting still for the entire meeting is perhaps the best course of action. my discontent was fleeting and i quickly moved into pity and moved along, it is certainly not my place to tell anyone else HOW they should do it, unless of course they ask! :)
it is time to hit the road and get rolling over to my day job.be well and be safe this holiday weekend and i will be back here once again, tomorrow.

∞ DT ∞