Blog entry for:

i have been using the example of the men i sponsor, as a guide to what is on my heart, over the course of the past seven or eight weeks. finally i am almost free of that need, but i said almost. over the weekend i had the opportunity to turn down a very expensive collect call, that would have frustrated me to no end. in fact, there was more than a bit of outrageous indignation at the nerve and the gall of someone to force me to pay $10 for the honor and privilege of speaking to them and then drop a list of stuff that needs to be done in my lap. i guess that they have not quite got that i will not be used anymore and that i deserve their respect and not their abuse. oh well, i have one task to take care of this morning, claiming his property from the local jail and then, there is not a whole lot more i am willing to do, outside of the program. certainly not put money on his books, run around and chase his belongings or take care of his precious finances, as none of that is my stuff and i surrender that into the care of his HIGHER POWER.
on a much brighter note, i am starting to get what i am all about. over the course of the past few years, as this set of steps progressed, i have connected very tightly with the local fellowship. not unlike way back when i was new, but in an entirely different way. back then it was out of loneliness, as i saw those i called my friends as a threat to my freedom from incarceration. not that would twist my arm and force me to get high, but being around them would bring back my waning desire to use and get the obsession rolling again, and in a matter of time, BOOM high i would be.
today, i am back in tight, out of a desire to be part of the pack, and have friends, peers and acquaintances i can trust to be there, when i need them and not offer the first chemical fix that happens to come down the pike. men who have my back and understand where i am coming from. and people who have been and are walking a similar journey to mine. it goes without saying, but i will say it anyhow, that this reintegration into the fellowship also means that i get to participate in the drama as well, and today, that is a very small cost that i am more than willing to pay. yes there are consequences for allowing my walls down and allowing others to see who i am and what i feel, ones that i like and ones that i do not. after all, it is not the consequence that is negative or positive, it is my opinion of them that makes them so, a judgement call, as it were.
anyhow, today i become a permanent full-time employee, with all the perks and responsibilities that entails. i have yet to figure out whether or not i will like being one, but i do know that this has been my goal for the past year, and now that the day is here, things do not feel that much different. i do have tasks to run, people to see and a full day ahead of me, so as i get to the end of this, i realize that as my walls come tumbling down, there are more than a few unhealthy relationships that still need a bit of tidying up. there are more than a few healthy ones, that need a bit of nurturing as well. most important of all of those, is the relationship with myself. i can now be free of the need to ;live in the FEAR of pain and allow others into my life. pain is inevitable, but the walls i built to protect myself did not lead to a pain free existence, just a lonely and isolated one. the dilemma comes down down to take a chance on real human contact and get hurt, or live isolated and lonely and hurt myself. either way, pain is part of the equation of living, so just for today i choose being open and connected to the men i have come to love over the course of the days i have been clean.

∞ DT ∞