Blog entry for:

THE way to carry the message to the addict who still suffers
well out of the house far too early today, but sine these days i am trying to go with the flow, i will assume it is exactly where i am supposed to be. as the bus leaves my home town, headed southwest to work, i can go back in time and remember the many times i was a very big fish in a teeny-tiny pond. it is no a pleasant journey and i am quite grateful that those days are mostly ended for me these days. it is nice that over the next month, things will certainly change in this respect, i GET to help start a facility meeting and i GET to let go of a service commitment i have been clinging far too tightly to, and the end result will be something i am ready to be clueless about and accept, at least right now.
ironically, i slept like Lucy was in the house last night, listening for whether she needs to get up and go out, and i thought i had finished that particular bit of service. oh well, that push got me where i am right now and i can allow myself to be okay with that fact.
even my service of working one-on-one with addicts is undergoing a massive shift. relationships in which i established an authority sort of role, are ending either by choice, or by my design. i certainly do not want to be more than just another addict, who happens to have been doing this gig little bit longer in the grand scheme of things. as my relationships with the men i sponsor, my closed-mouth friends, my sponsor and the fellowship in general change, i am struck by the amount of peace and serenity i am receiving. finally or maybe eventually, i am seeing the futility in trying to resist the change and as my desire aligns with my actual needs in this oh so social arena, i am getting more than i ever dreamed of. in what was once a competition, i am seeing cooperation. in once was a survival skill, i am seeing the harm. in what once was sick and twisted, but well-hidden by spiritual camouflage i am seeing a sad and lonely man, who no longer has any desire to be above the drama and trauma that is this boisterous and sometime tumultuous social scene. i want to be a part of, and not above or below. i am caring less about social standing as the cognitive dissonance sets in. after all, how can i possibly be a part of and still look fVcking good? so the battle these days is not about what i am doing, rather how i am doing it. i know that some very long-term relationships will more than likely come to an end. fighting that fact, is certainly like trying to catch the wind. allowing those relationships to change into whatever they need to change into, well that feels like the next phase of this journey i call recovery. service work, well that too will be in the class of more to be revealed, after all i thought my HIGHER POWER said no, and what it really said was NOT YET! i am still learning to tell the difference.

∞ DT ∞