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to carry the message to the still suffering, is not how i started serving my fellowship. in fact, back in the day, being a **big fish, in a small pond,** was part and parcel of my motives for serving. my self-esteem was dependent on serving my peers and all of them seeing how **well** i served them. over time, i say that building my self-esteem by service was only a bridge to the true source of self-esteem, my growth into the person i have always wanted to be. i realized that the feelings i got, when i served my peers, were not all that different than the feelings i got when i got away with using. most importantly, when my efforts were suddenly recognized and one of my peers “blew smoke up my ass,” there was the feeling of immediate gratification that i was missing. instant karma and instant gratification was a powerful drug for this addict and it was not until well withing my second decade clean, that i finally came to see that, in that way. scaling back the whens and wheres i served my peers helped this addict become less dependent on the praise of others, to build my self-esteem.
these days, selfless service means “felonious” service. just as a good deed loses some of its value when i tell others about it, so does my service efforts. i serve because it is the next right thing to do. when i get “caught” doing so, i graciously accept the recognition and move on. i have to say, it still feels “good” to get that pat on my back, especially now that i have stopped thumping my chest about those acts. in these times when my main mode of serving my fellowship is denied to me, due to very sensible and prudent precautions, it is up to me to find new and different means to serve, among them is attending meetings and sharing on a regular basis. my life is not emptier because i cannot carry the message where i used to, although i do look forward to the day i am allowed back in those facilities.
as i get on with my day, i am reminded that because i am clean and because the source of my self-esteem is no longer my job, how “positive” my message of recovery may be, or on how many strokes i get from my peers. i get to base my self-esteem on what i did today, how i see the world and when called upon, how i respond to the situation. the committee in my head has long been disbanded, so i no longer need to seek any sort of consensus in forming my internal “group conscience.” that is the nice part of becoming “whole” and not trying top fill a “hole.”

∞ DT ∞