Blog entry for:

to wait until I loved myself, i might not have made it, after all that was a very long minute after i got clean. it was not as if i hated myself, i never went that far down the pike, i did however have a strong aversion to myself, even though i was clueless about who i was. time and steps was what it took before i could love myself without conditions. it was not until i came close to that ideal state, that i could love others unconditionally as well. that journey is still ongoing , loving others without conditions that is, as i have come to accept and love myself, exactly as i am at this minute.
this morning, i was surprised that i had an online sports book account opened in my name. they took my details and said they closed the account and blocked anyone from opening an account with those details in the future. they are attempting to gaslight me into believing that the fraudulent account is worthy of protection, rather than assuring me that my stuff is gone in writing. i know that they are covering their asses because this slipped through the protections they supposedly have in place and now that i have asked for a number to file a complaint, they are hemming and hawing. i am far from assured that their “internal processes” are enough, after all the account was opened without actually verifying that i wanted it to be. i am very familiar with getting caught with my pants down and gaslighting the world that what they saw was not reality.
enough of that little adventure, as i wait for their heads to stop spinning, i can move forward with what i heard this morning. which after a minute to calm down, comes down to a quiet space where for the first time since Monday, i was able to stay within and accept the what was for that moment a refreshing dip into the void. learning to love, even with conditions did not come easily for me. i was all bout zero sum game when i was dealing with others and the feeble relationships i had managed to develop. there was a time when i wondered if i was even capable of loving anyone, including myself, or if i was i had only a limited capacity to do so. the steps did their thang and those days are over. i know that i can love and accept love without any conditions and when the non-answer from the online sports book comes, i may be able to accept that, they really are doing the best they can with what they got.

∞ DT ∞