Blog entry for:

matter if i get my way, what matters is that i express my opinion and allow the process to run its course. i have seen what happens when i step up to **rescue** a meeting from the group and i am no longer willing to accept those consequences. it is ironic that there are a few of my peers who are still butt-hurt because their self-willed bullsh*t could not fly past a group conscience. the efforts at politicking the membership as it were, made it even more amusing to me. their abject failure to even ask what others thought of their idea turned their hubris into humiliation. i have been there and done that, although i was a bit more subtle and better able to bury my intentions under a huge pile of spiritual camouflage. i have made my amends to the groups and service committees that i once dominated and i no longer seek to exert the power that i mistakenly believe i have, over the local fellowship. in fact, for me, letting go and allowing them to take the reins has been an exercise in coming to believe. i am confident enough in who i am becoming that i no longer require outside validation by my peers. not that i am by any means “whole,” but i am well on my way.
thinking about my behavior and how i learn to let go of what i think i need to guide, mold and cram into an image that is aesthetically pleasing to me, takes me down a dark and twisting path. as i sat in a meeting last night, i heard one of my peers bring up a topic that i had not considered for quite some time: the myth of Sisyphus. talk about a lesson in dogged determinism and futility. in that myth the protagonist will be set free from hell, if he can roll a heavy boulder over a hill. the catch is, every single time he approaches the crest of the hill and it appears he may complete his task, the boulder slips from his grip and rolls to the bottom of the hill again. his punishment for believing he was smarter than Zeus, is he is condemned to being humiliated for all eternity. i started to take an intellectual look at what i thought and saw that i was straying way off topic. the fact is, my strong personality created damage when i manipulated group conscience to match my vision. like Sisyphus, i could have continued in my endeavors to make the groups match my vision, even though the second i took my eyes off, they would revert to a more natural form. my boulder was how i thought things should be run and once i decided not to be defined by that task, i GOT some relief.
today, i attend meetings, i see the chaos that is part and parcel of many different and often competing ideas clashing and i enjoy seeing what the outcome ends up being. i trust that my peers, will in the long run, make decision that enhance the ability of the groups to carry our message of HOPE, to the still suffering addict, with or without my input. with that, i think i will post this to the interwebs and get ready to make that commute to the office. it is a good day to let go of what “might be” and embrace what is.

∞ DT ∞