Blog entry for:

carrying the message to the still-suffering addict. as i sit on the on-time bus this morning, looking at what i have ahead on this day in June, i have all sorts of thoughts and not all of them about how i can best carry the message. right off the top of the stack, is the line from the reading about knowing what is the BEST way to do this and using my outdoor voice to get my point across. in short how do i bully and manipulate the group into seeing things the way i do? i am not unique in this behavior, in fact, i learned it from the best and it is no longer an acceptable manner of behaving. yes i have an idea or three. yes, perhaps, my ideas are the best, BUT here in the fellowship that i choose for my recovery program, my opinions and ideas are really no better than anyone else's and need not carry more weight than those others who choose to serve. that my friends, is a bitter pill for me to swallow at times. it is the reason, keep my distance from organized service committees for right now, as i have some more growing-up to do, before i return to that level of service.
which brings me to another seemingly random train of thought. i have a sponsee working STEP 12, and he has never had the opportunity to serve our fellowship in any organized manner, due to his situation. when i read this entry this morning, he was on my mind, and there really is no way for him to live this aspect of this step, at least in the here and now. when the time comes, i will be able to help him step up and be a part of the conscience forming process.
i am also thinking about the next section of my step work. i stopped last night in the middle of the realtionships section, as the question asked goes to the core of what this process has been all about for me. my thoughts and feelings are all over the landscape and i know i have to face the question, as fearlessly and faithfully as possible. is tonight is the night? i know i am twisted about it, as my sleep was disturbed last night, filled with disturbing drams that i can only catch echoes of this morning.
i am also wondering if the time has come to stand-up at work and ask if there is a full-time gig coming down the road for me. here i will follow the lead of the POWER that fuels my recovery, choosing to do nothing UNTIL i know for certain. this too, is something i loathe doing. i am not a waiter, i am a person who wants and demands quick, concise and clear answers NOW! i want action. i want resolution. i want to know, so i can feel as i am supposed to and with all that is going on inside, patience and being present is not on the top of my action list most days. writing that feels good, and does relieve the pressure, perhaps that was all i needed to do, who knows? what i do know and feel is that right here and right now is that patience, tolerance and acceptance ARE what i need this morning. as i mentioned to the last two sponsees that i worked with, there are consequnces for all my decisions and all my actions, and they may or may not be consequnces that are palatable to me. so the consequnces of stopping and listening may not be missed oppportunities, but rather the revelation of an opportunity beyond my wildest dreams, or not. today i can have FAITH that things are what they are supposed to be and my job is to listen, let go and go with the flow. with that thought in mind, i think i will move into a quick dip into the news of the world and see what i events that i have little or no power over, i can obsess about today, it is after all something i do well, obsession that is, not the powerless gig. :)

∞ DT ∞