Blog entry for:

i am being asked. they are, instead, speeches prepared while in the grip of my self-obsession.
purple dragons and sand in my shoes aside, listening is certainly a skill i could be better at. just as some need to twist the language to feel better about themselves, so i need to give up my need of being so self-important. everyone around me, does not necessarily need to or even want to hear my opinion on just about everything in the world, and trust me i do have them, opinions that is.
listening to what i have been hearing the other day, i am overwhelmed by the way language is being twisted around to soften the reality of the situation. amazingly, facing the issue head-on, seems to be the last thing anyone wants to do these days, and it gets me wondering about where i am in my spiritual program. i know that in reality i am stalled out, writing the two amends i need to make. neither is particularly heinous, but both force me to be far more humble than i seem to want to be. it is strange that my ego is all of a sudden so fragile that telling two people that i caused harm, and asking for the ways and means to repair that harm, should feel so daunting to me. after all, i already faced the family of my alleged victim and made an amends to them, way back when. yes, i want to get better. yes i want to finally put this chapter of my past to rest, but i have very little willingness to do the work to move on and so i do all that i can to avoid the reality of the situation, including twisting the language around so i can build a bit of false self-esteem. before anyone gets their knickers in a bun, i am talking about myself only. i know that for me, when i start to twist language to soften the blow, i am relying from a quite comfortable coping behavior from my bag of tricks. that is all it really is for me, the illusion that i am actually helping myself out. i cannot and will not speak about what softening the blow of language does for others, for me, i know that it is a farcical reprieve from looking at what is really going on. no matter what i call it, i am NOT doing what i need to do to move forward in my program of recovery, and am falling into those defects of character that define who i am today. yes, i am defined by my defects as well as by my assets, and i have no problem with that realization. it is who i am, but it does not need to be who i will become. i am not some sort of sensitive new age kind of guy, but i have been known to shed a tear in what may appear to be the most inappropriate places and times. so when i say i believe that taking the full force of the brutal truth about who i am, is a good thing, i mean it, even if beating myself up, and feeling inadequate is part of my package, and it is. deferring the pain, and the realization is just that, putting it off, and i have always believed it is better to just rip a band-aid off, in one fell swoop, hair and all, than to do it slowly.
well that certainly went sideways, i guess i needed to respond to something, other than the reading this morning. i guess what i need to be listening to, is that quiet voice inside, that often expresses the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. i have sidetracked and speechified against that for long enough, is what i am finally starting to hear, and although it is time to prepare to head south and west tipo earn my daily bread, this notion, will probably stay with me for most of today. who knows those amends may just get written out tonight.

∞ DT ∞