Blog entry for:

while in the grip of self-obsession, honed to be used as a tactical weapon, to shred the argument of one of my peers. yes sharing battles and decimation of my imagined opponents, is how i once entered any sort of “real” conversation. would i like to say this behavior disappeared when i got clean, i certainly would, if i could. the sad fact of my life is that there are still times when my character defect of low self-esteem kicks in and i have the desire to be “right,” regardless of the cost. listening to what is being said is an exercise in getting and using the means to decimate the opposition. when i operating out of this mode, i often wonder, if they speaker has any clue what about they are saying, or if they are just talking to hear the sound of their own voice.
that is the bad news, the good news? well, when i catch myself in this state of being, i have the tools to be lifted out. STEPS 10 and 11 provide me the means to uncover what is really going on with me and use the SEVENTH STEP as the means to short-circuit my mouth and turn off my brain, long enough to listen to the ideas and feelings that re being expressed, rather than devise a rebuttal to the semantic choices the speaker is using. the other piece of good news, is that when i hear something that i find ludicrous, insanely ironic or just plain stupid, i have this forum to call it out, without hammering the person themselves. with this as an outlet, i GET to be spiritual, think about what i heard and if i still feel the same way a day or more later, comment directly on it.
case in point, thew other day the reading was about losing oneself in romance and neglecting one's recovery. the blame-shifting to others about judgement and why it did not apply to them, was incredible. i had the DESIRE to say that the reading was a warning and not a dictum, and yet, thanks to a spiritual principle or two, i choose to keep my pie-hole closed, and am grateful for that today. what i heard that evening was rationalizations and excuses rather than acceptance. what i walked away with was that i COULD be okay and that when i am not asked, i need not offer my opinion.
anyhow, what i am getting this morning is that listening, while weaponized in my brain, need not be used to destroy. what i am hearing now, is that all the while i am in my head, i am missing something that may be crucial to my recovery, or my relationship or my life in general. i am feeling a sense of gratitude because i am demonstrating to myself, that i need not boost my low self-esteem at the expense as others, and my tongue while sharp and deadly can be used in a manner that builds, rather than destroys., even when i think that “the lady doth protest…”
the time has come however to fold up my tents, post this little ditty to the interwebs and get moving along on my next task at work. oh yeah, it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞