Blog entry for:

this was something i thought i **had** when i first got clean, after all, i had forty years of living and was not suffering any loss of hearing. the whole idea that i had to learn to listen, seemed ridiculous to me, but i went along with it, just to fit in. looking back, based on the days of experience i have piled up, i can now see that i was quite mistaken in so may ways, i am surprised that i managed to stay clean and find recovery. not only did i not “get” what me peers were trying to tell me, i also “read between the lines” when it came to recovery literature to bolster my opinions of what i though i “had” to do. as i stayed clean and got over my bad self, i realized that what i thought i heard was totally wrong and that if i wanted more than a plodding existence of abstinence, then i was actually going to have top learn to pay attention, listen if you will, to what was really being said.
here is where i pat myself on the back for becoming a “perfect” listener, who not only hears everything that is said to him, but also gets the context and never ever creates a rebuttal in his own head, before hearing all that has been said. yes, i could pat myself on the back, but the truth of the matter, is that i am not only human, but still an addict as well. the content of what someone else may be telling me, can and does “trigger” an emotional and intellectual reaction. even though i am better than i used to be , those reactions can cause me to miss everything else that was said.
coming back to the here and now, this is one off those days, where everything is out of sequence. i have to make a trip to the dentist office at 9 AM and my off-shore backup is on PTO today. those two things may seem unrelated, except it means that i had to get on-line to work at 5:30 AM and will not be able to run, until later this afternoon. this sort of disruption to my schedule, could cause me to scream bloody murder about how unfair life is, and where is the justice, after all, does the world not realize who the fVck i am???!! 😱 what i am feeling is a sense of acceptance this morning, that everything is okay and i can get through this day, altered as it may be, sane, safe and well. what i am “hearing” when i choose to “listen” is a choir of voices composed of my peers in recovery, telling me to take a breath and just go with the flow. i can do that and yes i can be okay doing just that, just for today.

∞ DT ∞