Blog entry for:

to listen is a gift of my recovery journey and one that i may have **got** way back when, but was certainly not evident for at least the first decade of my recovery. i certainly am far from a patient guy and the whole drama of a year ago came from a peer who was not listening and my lack of patience and tolerance to that fatal flaw in their desire to be of service. i know all about ignoring what i do not want to hear and asking the questions that lead to the answers i desire. that comes from self-will and my desire to get the outcome i have predetermined to best the best for everyone involved, i am still paying the price for being a “dickish asshole,” but i have progressed beyond that and am capable of not only hearing what others are trying to tell me, but actually listening to what they are saying and taking it under consideration. that little kerfuffle a year ago has left my immediate consideration and even when i am at a meeting with that peer and they are doing their “feel good tap dancing,” i have the ability to sit quietly and listen to their ”all-inclusive, stereotyping” message of experience, strength and hope.

of course i had left all that behind and what i actually “heard” this morning was grief about the suicide of my friend Brian, six years ago. once again, i went down the path of how could i have been so obtuse and self-centered that i missed his cries for help. nice work, turning the tragedy of someone else's life into being all about me. the fact is, i do not know why he hung himself in his closet. what i do know, was that he was straggling with his life on many levels and felt too much shame to return to the arms of the fellowship of which he was once a very vital part. no matter what i said or did, he could not get past his feelings and in the end, it was the reaction to those feelings that brought him to a dark place where a belt and a closet seemed to be the kindest thing he could do for himself. i certainly was not listening as well as i could six years ago, but it probably would have made no difference in that outcome, i am sad to say.
today, just for today, i will certainly do my level best to listen to what i am being told and take action, provide comfort or just be present, depending on what i hear. it bis a good day to consider where i can do better and to stop feeling guilt and shame over events that were beyond my power and control. stuff happens, even if i do not want it to, the time has come to do what i can to exercise the power i do have and burn off a few hundred calories as i traipse around the neighborhood at six or so, miles per hour. i am grateful i have the desire to be a bit better than i was yesterday and allow myself the opportunity to possibly be a bit better tomorrow, through living an active program of recovery.

∞ DT ∞