Blog entry for:

life takes on a new meaning when i open myself to this gift. once again off to a way early start, but the advantage is that i GET to have some extra time for myself, later in the day.
this morning, i was laying in bed, pretending to sleep when our phone went off at 5 AM and the person on the other end of the line, prattled on about how they were this and that and were about to do this and that, contradicting themselves with each new sentence. i wanted to get pissed-off at someone , than i realized they could not actually “hear” what they were saying. getting all worked up over something i am powerless over is not worth the energy this morning. i understand why the answering machine needs to be on at our house. i also understand that some people have no concept of respect for others, their needs are paramount and NEED to addressed this instant. so there we have a perfect storm, the causes and the conditions for me to become self-righteously angry and be fully justified in doing so, instead i chose to accept things the way they were, get up and get started with my day. it was not like i was really sleeping after all, just pretending to sleep, trying to delay my inevitable move to the office to get started on my morning.
which takes me back twelve hours to a conversation that i had on my one ex-sponsee. with the benefit of time and clarity, i beginning to suspect that he too, will not be able to hear and comprehend what is going on. he is full of expectations and as the sword is lifted a bit higher, he continues to revert to the comfort of his simmering anger. i fear i have now lost the opportunity i had to guide him through that churning sea of self-interest and into the calmer waters of selflessness, but instead of self-willing any of that, i do believe i will walk in FAITH, that i was put in his life for a reason and barring any new information or evidence i will proceed on the path we are walking.
so here i am, in the here and now, thinking about the gift of being able to listen. one of the people i least often hear is my ‘true’ self. the addict withing screams, whispers, cajoles, and generally blocks me from listening to what i really need to hear. i could go on and on about how this so-called alien force within does this and that, but what would be the point. what the real point is, i often miss comprehending what it is i actually need in the background din of my thoughts. whether or not meditation puts me into a connection with the divine, IT DOES provide me a connection with what my true self wants and needs. for those brief minutes a few times a day, the white noise that is my internal dialogue is squelched and the bliss of oblivion comes upon me. this is nothing like the oblivion that using gave me, although it is just like it. confused? i know that i am. in those brief seconds that the dose took effect and my head shut-off, i got relief from the world around me. meditation allows me to control that experience by stretching it out and being present for it, instead of off in the stratosphere waiting for the inevitable return to earth. in those minutes, i do hear what is going on inside, and more than likely what i need to hear from outside as well. the gift of being able to listen to what is going on inside is a recent addiction to my life, and i was only ready to receive it after applying the gift of actually listening to what others were telling me. for that i am grateful this morning, and listening to what is going on inside, i am now ready to get working on my next task this morning, which for the second day in a row does not consist of a tour of my neighborhood. it is a great day to be on this side of the dirt.

∞ DT ∞