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purple dragons, when all i can see is blue meanies. the reading this morning is more than ironic given my lessons in being powerless over the past few days. the images evoked by the words about **listening** to another speak, and not **hearing** a single word they are saying, i particularly apt for me and provides a nice segue into what i **heard** this morning as i sat and **listened**.
when i was a pup in recovery the members with actual Experience, Strength and HOPE, often came at me with all sorts of unsolicited advice. as a strong-willed, stubborn individual with more than a touch of an authority complex. more times than not, i just dismissed their “pearls of wisdom” as a means to keep me down and dismiss what i thought were the flaws in this 12 STEP program. they were all so much younger than me and could not possible know what it was like to spend twenty-five years out in active addiction, in a semi-successful manner. i saw them as weak and feeble losers, certainly not the type of people who i could trust. as a result i sampled my way through a couple of different fellowships, rebellious and angry, never expecting to end up where i am today.
as i became ready to choose membership in one fellowship or another, i discovered what i had been missing for all those months, specifically, that no one ever said i had to stay clean the rest of my life. i had to stay clean, just for today, and IF i took a bit of direction, those days COULD add up to being the rest of my life. it is not the first time i was confused by the usage of “could” and “would.” for all those days between my first meeting and my original acceptance of who i might be, i could not hear the message i was being offered, and sure enough those other members stopped casting their pearls before this swine, until i was ready to actually hear what they were saying. today, i get where they were, as when i offer “advice” couched as “suggestions” whether i have been asked to or not, i am seem to get what i gave out, all those days ago: cold indifference and a raft of excuses, justifications and rationalizations.
for me, right here and right now, i NEED to be aware of what i think, feel and am, may not be what others see. sure i have a day or two clean and have a step or twelve under my belt, that does not mean i have all the answers, even though i often think i might. listening to what i am being asked, and not interpreting the words until the speaker is complete, feels like the next right thing for me to practice, just for today. instead of looking for blue meanies, today i will seek the purple dragons and if i do not see them, ask why not.

∞ DT ∞