Blog entry for:

with the questions i am being asked.
yes, even i can get so self-obsessed that it is impossible to hear what someone is trying to tell me. i know, that seems hard to believe, given what a fVcking spiritual guru i am, and all that happy horsesh!t, but it is certainly a true fact. learning how to listen is still a task i am undertaking on a daily basis. a couple of points for me to remember is one) this is not something i came to recovery doing very well, listening to what others said, that is. and two) that the process of learning HOW to do this, is one that will take a lifetime.
so the party line has been spouted. i owned what i needed to own, a bit of humility, oh yeah, i AM much better at listening to what others say, and responding honestly, tactfully and to the point, than i ever was before i started using. that bidness being dispensed with, what i heard this morning was an echo with a conversation i had with a peer last night. i was asked what my payoff was for being restored to sanity. off the top of my head, without any forethought, i said the payoff is: i do not hurt myself as much anymore. as i said it, i realized that i had just said something that has deep and profound meaning to me. for the first time, i actually allowed myself the freedom to examine and state what the payoff was, for something that is so basic to my recovery process, name;ly the process that is embodied in STEP TWO. i pay a lot of lip service to why i stay clean, falling back on the cliché, that is i was not getting a decent return for what i invest in my recovery, i would have left a long time ago. now that i am focusing on my payoffs more, i am starting to get a little meat to put on the bones of that statement, and i have a nagging suspicion that this is the direction my ELEVENTH STEP is about to take.
anyhow, got fires to finish putting out and donuts to be made,. it is great day to be clean and on this side of the grass.

∞ DT ∞