Blog entry for:

my answers may have very little to do with the topic at hand. they are, instead, speeches prepared while in the grip of my self-obsession. as i get started on this cold and dreary Sunday morning, i have plenty of examples over the course of the past few days where self-obsession crowded out any hope of me actually listening to what was going on. including what is going on inside of me. what i really do want, is freedom from self-obsession, as obsession is at the core of my addiction. or do i? that feels like the start to a soliloquy lifted from Shakespeare. yes, the literary reference does serve me well here, as a spin back into active addiction is certainly flirting with suicide by degrees again. as i prepare to meet with my sponsor this week, my TENTH STEP, took me way back to some of the misdeeds i once perpetrated, quite consciously and the feelings of rationalizing away what i did, to achieve the final outcome. the worst part is, i was still just a pup in active addiction, although some of the stuff i did laid the groundwork for a continuing path of misdeeds and taking what i wanted regardless of the consequences. the worst part, was in most cases i left the situation i had just tailored so well for myself, to fins a new and different hunting (haunting) ground, so to speak. although much of this behavior was in my distant past, my step work is dredging it up, as examples of that behavior are evident in my life today. i do something and BOOM when i review my day, i flash back to those early days, when i was just learning how to manipulate and use people for my advantage. mostly the advantage i sought was greater comfort and getting away with something. over the course of active addiction, this became a finely honed weapon of mass destruction, at least on the object i was aiming for, with collateral damage all over the place. although that was always justified away as they were in my way, when i was accomplishing the greatest good for me.
what does this have to do with listening and self-obsession? well the self-obsession part is very clear, the listen part, not so much. being socially inept and having such a need to fit in, i was always good at listening to a point. that point being,m where i had gathered enough information to decide whether or not you were a threat to me, and if you were, how to minimize you. as my social skills grow and i get better at interacting with the world around me, some of those feelings return and i feel forced into a place where i feel the flight or fight instinct taking hold. these days it is fight most of the time, and not listening to what someone is really saying, because i am planning to spring my trap, is part of the reptile being activated and ready to pounce.
i could go on, down this path of self-flagellation and drive myself into shame, the fact is, i did and still do unsavory acts of cruelty. i would like to blame addiction or my human condition as the root cause, but min the long run,. it just boils down to me, i do these things BECAUSE i want to, not because i am forced to and if i actually take the time, to step out of myself and listen, i may find that my desire to act on this particular character defect, will be diminished as well.
so it is time to shower and get some stuff done. my plan today is to work a bit, perhaps meet with one of the men i sponsor, get to a meeting and watch a little football. none of that can happen if i stay here and moan about how human and bad i am, so on that note, i accept i am far from perfect, i NEED to listen to what is going on and let go of my past, it is after all a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞