Blog entry for:

that has already been restored to my life. welcome to the wonderful world of STEP TWO, life after the obsession has been lifted. i could say many of us, but that would deflect me from what i am really thinking, although an example of one of my peers did give the direction for pondering and expounding on, the depth of my insanity today.
when i allow the mood of someone i am close to, to affect mine, i am trapped in the insanity of co-dependance, which has always been part of who i was. sure when the person i share my life with is not feeling well, i feel sorry for her, i want to help her to feel better and i am not callous enough to be all “yippy skippy” around her. i do not however, make myself miserable with worrying about how i can fix her mood, her illness or whatever, nor do i take on her misery and parcel it out to all that i meet. that stuff is hers and hers alone., my job is to support her in her decision to get better, and nothing more. perhaps it may require a change in my behaviors or habits, but that is a side-effect and one that i can live with today. when i came to recovery, and for quite some time, i believed it was my job to fix people, and confused fixing someone with supporting them in their journey to become better. only recently have i come to see, that i cannot fix anyone, and the harder i try, the more miserable i make myself. i am not some poor artist that needs to suffer for my art, nor am i some sort of guru with a glib and concise answers to all that is wrong in the world today. those are roles, i once wore and ones that no longer fit well today. i need not say deep things out loud, so others think i am deep, i can be as deep or as shallow as i want to be, right here. what i get to be, on most days is myself. not a saint or a martyr, holding up my end of a bad deal i made. nor am i superman or a recovery guru. no, the truth is, i am some of those things, some of the time, but mostly i am an addict in recovery and am quite content to take that on, as who i am, at least as a starting point. one of the things i do not want to become is part of a gruesome twosome, and the insanity that entails. that insanity, on the surface anyhow, looks like it is a desirable direction for me to take, but i know it it just a means to puffing up my ego by taking a hostage to depend upon for my emotional sustenance. not a very sane idea in my mind, and one that i need to remember as i actually start writing out the amends i need to make.
yes, it is true, the insanity that is manifest from the part of me i call addiction, still is part of my life today. i still have to go back and admit that <GASP> i am wrong and clean-up the damage i make, even after some time clean, evidence that martyrdom or beatification is not part of my immediate future.
i want those i care for to be happy. i want to help those i care for to find a path to happiness. i can not and now that i think about it will not, work on making them happy, as that is not part of my job. the insanity that i can make someone, something they are not, has played out over and over again in my life and now that i see who i was trying to be, well there certainly will be more than one conscious decision to let go and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, restore me from this brand of my insanity. today? well today, i will go through my day being a part of the life i am sharing with the world around me. i have HOPE that if i allow the process to take hold, i will be something more than i was yesterday, and that something will relinquish the illusion of power and control, that i believe i have over the people in my life. it really is that simple.

∞ DT ∞