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my insanity for the rest of my life? well, maybe, if i choose not to do anything about it. one of the myths that seems to circulate around the rooms, is that insanity is ever present and that addiction always rules. i heard that often when i was just a recovery pup and i still hear it today, even from some of my peers who have extended periods of clean-time and in all other respects seem to be reaping the benefits of the program. this reading could be seen as buttressing that myth and the notion that i will walk around the rest of my life, being unable to trust myself and my intuition, because i am insane, is more than a little far-fetched to me. after all, just what is the promise of freedom from active addiction, if i do not get any better.
i cannot speak to the motives of my peers, but i certainly know that once upon a time, i thought that was the truth and sharing that i had come to trust myself and intuition, was an example of ego and braggadocio. eventually, i shared that i was still insane as a matter of course, because i wanted top appear all humble and spiritual. the fact is, i am far less insane that when i walked into the rooms, and if i continue to live a program of recovery, as suggested by those i trust, i will continue on a path that leads to greater sanity in my life. i understand that saying that i “get” ideas and notions that were once alien to me, may be interpreted by others and some sort of “advanced” recovery, but this morning i really do not give a fVck what “they” may think. i am on a path of recovery that heals and counters addiction and if i CHOOSE to stay at the bottom of the path or dilly-dally around in the morass of self-pity and despair, than i will get exactly that self-pity, despair and mere abstinence, and those are not the gifts i seek today from recovery, been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
so the question does remain, am i doomed to live in this world insane and without hope, repeating the same behaviors over and over again? when i said maybe up above, i meant exactly that, maybe. when i choose to take an active part in my recovery program, living the program as it were, i get relief from the insanity and behaviors that plague me. that relief comes in the form of hearing what my peers and others are saying to me and applying those suggestions, ideas and that advice in my life. i do BELIEVE that the POWER that fuels my recovery, provides me the means to exit whatever my current form of insanity happens to be and become more of what i have always wanted to be. that is the crux of this reading: that my path to less insanity is through the recovery program i purport to live and my connection with the POWER that fuels my recovery. today i live a program that leads me towards sanity and am amply rewarded by being able to CHOOSE to do the next right thing,. more often than not. does this mean i am cured or have graduated? not by a long-shot, but i do live in a program that gives me the HOPE that bit by bit, sanity will rule and while i will always be an addict, i need not be totally owned by addiction.

∞ DT ∞