โ i sometimes now believe that my particular brand of insanity is hopeless. โ
Posted: Wed, Dec 27, 2006 06:43:29 AM
not so! i know that i owe my freedom from active addiction to the grace of a loving HIGHER POWER. if that POWER can perform such a miracle as relieving my obsession to use drugs, surely this POWER can also relieve my insanity in all its forms.
so although i am nuts, there is still HOPE for me yet. that thought would be a whole lot more comforting if i did not have to live the each manifestation of my insanity. yes, a bit of self-awareness is a good thing, and yes, seeing that my behaviors are still not within normal limits -- insane, i also a good thing. but what i really want is to be relieved totally of ALL my insanity and i want it NOW! lately i have grown weary of patiently waiting to be restored to being normal. i have been abstinent for a fairly long stretch of time and yet i am still crazy.
so then this little ditty of a reading comes along and speaks directly to the part of me that wants to become more than just another suicidal junkie. the manner and the voice the reading uses speaks to the HOPE of continuing the program of recovery. i can continue to recover and i have been restored to sanity in many instances in my life. by comparing and contrasting my behavior, attitudes, feelings (or lack thereof) and successes in the material world, i can see that this whole recovery gig has made some miraculous changes in my life. the honest truth is that it has almost been nine years since the desire to use was removed from me. it has been over nine years since i made the decision that i was not going to use no matter what. i have become sane enough to find and develop a relationship with a person that i can commit whole self to without any reservations. i have fulfilled some dreams and cleaned up most of the damage of my active addiction including an amends to my ex-wife, who would not even take my phone call just three years ago. so when i look at where i was and where i am today, as suggested by the reading this morning, i find that on the scale of insanity, i am much more sane in almost all parts of my life. recovery is working after all, despite the part of me that i call my disease insisting that it is not. sanity is after all a relative thing and all i need to do today is accept gratefully what i have been given and move on. after all, i have seen what happens to those who choose to stop and i do not want to become what i once was.
so although i am nuts, there is still HOPE for me yet. that thought would be a whole lot more comforting if i did not have to live the each manifestation of my insanity. yes, a bit of self-awareness is a good thing, and yes, seeing that my behaviors are still not within normal limits -- insane, i also a good thing. but what i really want is to be relieved totally of ALL my insanity and i want it NOW! lately i have grown weary of patiently waiting to be restored to being normal. i have been abstinent for a fairly long stretch of time and yet i am still crazy.
so then this little ditty of a reading comes along and speaks directly to the part of me that wants to become more than just another suicidal junkie. the manner and the voice the reading uses speaks to the HOPE of continuing the program of recovery. i can continue to recover and i have been restored to sanity in many instances in my life. by comparing and contrasting my behavior, attitudes, feelings (or lack thereof) and successes in the material world, i can see that this whole recovery gig has made some miraculous changes in my life. the honest truth is that it has almost been nine years since the desire to use was removed from me. it has been over nine years since i made the decision that i was not going to use no matter what. i have become sane enough to find and develop a relationship with a person that i can commit whole self to without any reservations. i have fulfilled some dreams and cleaned up most of the damage of my active addiction including an amends to my ex-wife, who would not even take my phone call just three years ago. so when i look at where i was and where i am today, as suggested by the reading this morning, i find that on the scale of insanity, i am much more sane in almost all parts of my life. recovery is working after all, despite the part of me that i call my disease insisting that it is not. sanity is after all a relative thing and all i need to do today is accept gratefully what i have been given and move on. after all, i have seen what happens to those who choose to stop and i do not want to become what i once was.
∞ DT ∞