Blog entry for:

of my insanity, certainly is an apt topic for today. where once i believed i was DOOMED to live in a black hole of unmet expectations, i now am beginning to sense that my inability to accept the consequences of my actions was the driving force in my misery. i can nostalgically recall how once upon a time it was always the fault of someone else, when things did not work in the manner i wanted. as i stay clean and figure out how to live a program of active recovery, i GET to CHOOSE if i will continue to make the same mistakes over and over and over again which is more than likely NOT something Albert Einstein ever said, but whoever did, certainly nailed it for this addict.
back in a bit, need to get some clarity on where this may be going. and here i am, a bit frozen as it was in the teens out there, but i am cert6ainly more clear-headed now. something that has been weighing on my mind is why i have to “look” better than i am.this whole struggle with nicotine dependence, when i did not think i was dependent upon it, is just a case in point. even after a month i still have the DESIRE to go sit in a smoke-filled room and enjoy a cigar. what i also am starting to understand is that maybe i can do that once a month, but chances are that monthly will become weekly and weekly will become daily and daily will become twice or thrice daily and the next thing i know i am back smoking cigarettes again, because i lack the time for my hourly fix. there is more than a bit of insanity there and when my ̶cheat” day arrives next week, i will see if that process is set in motion. the insanity is, that i am already planning a “cheat” day, just to see what happens. good thing that my insanity does not extend beyond that, just for today.
yes, there is more than a bit of insanity around my “fitness” regimen. as the heart of winter weather approaches, i find myself adding more distance and not taking a day off from the routine. what is it that i am attempting to do here? as i consider my motives, part of it is trying to “look better” physically, even though i tell myself it is all about feeling better and gaining the ability to once again run a 10 kilometers in under an hour, or climb another fourteener. those are both true, but they are the smoke and mirrors that are trying to hide my real agenda, looking better and fitter and if i could arrive at those results without the effort i am putting in, so much the better.
where am i right here and right now? ready to attempt to fix my new computer, once again, take care of some work at work and shower off the sweat from my frozen adventure this morning. oh yeah and look for the “cure” to my insanity, which more than likely will not be coming from inside my noggin.

∞ DT ∞